The Legend Of Zelda Cartoon Was Corny? Excuuuuuuse me!

The 1980’s gave rise to some really amazing video games, one of which of course was “The Legend Of Zelda” for the Nintendo Entertainment System. One by-product of that successful license was the “Super Mario Bros. Super-Show”, a TV program incorporating animated cartoons and live-action segments of both Mario and Luigi. Occasionally alternating with those shows were animated cartoons for “The Legend of Zelda”, all 13 of which aired during the fall of 1989.  By the way, all 13 episodes are available on DVD, so you can relive these campy Hyrule adventures again and again. Those of you expecting this show to revolve around Link, the ever-silent hero of the games, to take on monsters all over Hyrule in order to free a captive Princess Zelda would be mistaken.

The show of course takes place in Hyrule, but with Princess Zelda living at the castle and Link staying there as her resident protector and guardian of the Triforce of Wisdom (I guess the Triforce of Courage is in another castle, haha). The games are of a mostly serious nature, not exactly known for their comedic stylings, but no one would know that by only watching the show. The cartoon almost takes a “1960’s Batman”-esque campy approach to the material, incorporating a lot of dated humor and banter. While it’s amusing maybe the first time, hearing it repeatedly over the course of a 15-minute episode makes it old real quick.

The 13 episodes don’t necessarily have a serialized plot per se, as they all revolve around Ganon’s attempts to steal the Triforce of Wisdom, being already in possession of the Triforce of Power. Old pigface utilizes tektites, octoroks, moblins and some of the other baddies of the video games to try and take down the good guys, but like Shredder in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, always seems to let his guard down at just the wrong time. I do have to admit, watching him in the first episode demonstrating to stalfos knights how to punch was pretty damn funny. Something tells me it’s not what Shigeru Miyamoto had in mind when envisioning the epitome of an evil wizard, but it’s entertaining nonetheless.

Besides Princess Zelda, aiding Link in his quest is the fairy Sprite, who is your basic knave with a high-pitched, chipmunk-type voice. She doesn’t add much to the proceedings and proves to be rather annoying actually, much like the fairy Navi in “Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time”. Despite that though, the trio of Link, Zelda and Sprite manage to topple the evil wizard Ganon and his cronies in all 13 episodes, and only let the Triforce of Wisdom out of their grasp briefly in a few episodes. Score one for the good guys.

What made this show remembered to the gaming public and forgettable to just about everyone else was the dynamic between Link and Princess Zelda. While the games show Link as a noble hero, his animated counterpart’s motives were anything but pure. As subtlely alluded to several times in the cartoon, Link’s real motive for hanging around the castle is “getting to know” Princess Zelda…in the biblical sense, that is. Just when it seems like Link is about cut himself a piece of the Zelda pie, something random happens to interrupt, and Zelda makes some snooty, rude comment to the effect of Link being a pervert. Well duh…do you believe the guy is only thinking about fighting bad guys and protecting a magical shiny triangle? Lastly, this show gave Link a catchphrase, arguably the most annoying catchphrase in the history of all catchphrases.  I’ll let this Youtube video tell the story of Link’s signature retort, used a staggering 29 times in only 13 episodes. However, if some company were to print a retro Zelda shirt displaying this catchphrase, I would buy it in a heartbeat, guaranteed.

Cult Classics: Knight Rider

The opening theme song is classic – the synthesizer techno tune serving as the intro to the 80’s cult phenomenon known as “Knight Rider” was known to make people drop what they were doing and come to the TV. Well maybe not to that degree, but the show was certainly ingrained into pop culture during its four-year run, and as the premiere of a new TV movie a month ago demonstrates, it still is today. But let’s go back to the beginning, when NBC’s chief executive at the time Brandon Tartikoff decided he wanted an action-based show around a hero and his talking car…and the general reaction from most others was “What?!!”

Michael Long was an L.A. cop who ended up the victim of a vicious double-cross – he was led to the desert, shot in the face and left for dead. However, he was rescued by the FLAG (the tackily-named Foundation for Law and Government) organization and resurrected, being given David Hasselhoff’s face and the name “Michael Knight” as a part of that operation. In addition, he was recruited by Devon Miles (seen above played by British star Edward Mulhare) to be FLAG’s “undercover agent” if you will, handling in person what the group couldn’t do in court – basically, to kick the incompetent bad guys’ asses while not messing up his coiffed hairstyle. But he wasn’t alone on this mission, FLAG gave him his own ride too.

A 1982 Pontiac Trans Am with some serious modifications, KITT (the Knight Industries Two Thousand) would become Michael’s partner for his undercover missions, though at first “the Hoff” was a little freaked out by the car’s appearance (hilariously referring to it in the pilot episode as “Darth Vader’s bathroom.”) That was really the draw for the show, to see KITT’s futuristic and death-defying abilities in action as “the Hoff” toppled the latest criminal mastermind of the week with a generous amount of style and flash. In the first season, Pontiac actually contacted NBC to request that KITT not be referred to anymore as a Trans Am in the show, because they had been inundated with requests from fans about how to trick out their Trans Ams to look like KITT. That says it all.

Not only that, but the future “Mr. Feeny” himself, William Daniels, provided the voice for KITT. In addition to fighting crime and computing the necessary requirements for making a turbo boost leap at 150 MPH, he could dish out philosophy and biting sarcasm with the best of them. My one complaint is that at some point during the show, KITT didn’t give Michael detention for messing up his circuits with his crazy stunt driving – that would earn my money in a heartbeat. Bottom line, if I need to explain why “the Hoff” and “Mr. Feeny” are the ultimate crime-fighting team, you probably shouldn’t be reading this.

Storyline-wise, the show wasn’t exactly A-List material, but it didn’t have to be. Checking out the episodes will show un-Academy Award-winning acting, cheesy dialogue, recycling of stock footage, and the most incompetent bad guys this side of a Scooby Doo rerun. That could be best personified by the screenshot above, as a recurring storyline involved Michael Knight doing battle with his “evil” twin brother Garthe (also played by “the Hoff”). Besides a hilariously bad accent, the only thing askew about Garthe was his mustache – and where does it say that facial hair automatically makes someone evil? However, things like this were part of the show’s cult charm, and it was occasionally willing to poke fun at itself, which it has to be commended for.

Though successful in its four-year run from 1982-1986, attempts made to recapture lightning in a bottle have by and large failed. A 1991 TV movie “Knight Rider 2000″ flat-out sucked, as did the TV series “Team Knight Rider”, in addition to the recent TV movie “Knight Rider” from a month ago (in my own humble opinion of course). I mean, Val Kilmer as the voice of KITT…what were they thinking? Hey Val, 1996 called and they’re sick and tired of you. Anyway, the entire series of this cult classic is available on DVD, and I highly recommend checking it out – just don’t pull any turbo boosts on the way to the video store, the cops just might arrest you. And unless your car can help you talk your way out of it, you might be out of luck.

Caf-Fiend: Salute Your Donkeylips

“We run, we jump, we sing, and play… we row and go on trips! But one thing that lasts forever… our are dear friendships!

Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our HEARTS, and when we think about you, it makes me wanna [charge batteries with my nipples]?!” NAH! P-Push it real good! lol

“Its I hope we never part, now get it right or pay the price!”

Can you believe that this show only aired for 2 seasons at 13 episodes a pop (1991-1992)! Are we on the same page here, but didn’t it seem like everytime you flipped over to Nick it was this or Hey Dude! Well, considering I was just turning double digits when the show was canceled, anything past 7 mins could have seemed like a long time.

But on a serious note, why is Nick not creating a duel-season Blu-Ray special Sponge edition series. Come on’ Nick, bite off Tarantino and make each character a special edition, I want more UGG in my life. But Nickelodeon is like, nah, sorry pops, you can only have Clarissa Explains It All! Sorry Melissa Joan Hart, I was a huge Pete and Pete fan even though I secretly watched your show! lol.

I realize that this post is way past overdue, but I want you visualize the Lips everytime you take that precious sip of Mountain Dew Amp. Every sip you get closer, and closer, and CLOSER to his hairy Budnick-style, awful-waffle covered nipples and horrendous chin-strap! So, the next time you are stranded in Tarzana (yah, he is a local celeb… be jealous) I hope you have a cooler of energy drinks, so you don’t have to call AAA. But, you have to give him credit, he is f*cking hilarious, and I’m so glad to see him back in the spotlight! Maybe Mountain Dew could make this an ongoing joke?! Just start strapping Michael Bower to random household appliances and airplanes, etc… etc.. or make him experience all the products. For example, lets see what happens when you give him Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel! Does he log on his Warcraft toon and start pwning nooblets… maybe life-action sorcery?! He already leveled up his Rank 12 Lighting Bolt spell. What can we hook him up to next?!

“Think Anawanna wanna, speak Anawanna wanna, live Anawanna wanna… UGG!”

“Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” 1337 Easter Egg

What’s this?! FOX using some 1337534x (Leetspeak) in its new series?! The real question is, can this hold us over until Christian Bale becomes John Conner in 2009’s “Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins”?

Anyway, we’re stoked to see that Terminator’s doing huge numbers in the ratings. Biggest scripted series premiere in three years, and FOX’s biggest premiere in 8 years.

Thought you could slip one by us, huh? Well, ya can’t. Sorry pops. Hate to trample on your ego like that.

Hogan Hosts ‘Gladiator’, Prayers Answered

He told us to take our vitamins and say our prayers. Apparently, we did. Now, we’re blessed with roid rage, man-breasts, backne, shriveled scrotums, federal investigations, and child-onset heart conditions. However, we’re also blessed with the second-coming of one of the greatest television franchises of the past twenty years – American Gladiators, hosted by the O.H. (that’s Original Hulkamaniac) himself, Hulk Hogan.

“Gladiator-mania is gonna be runnin’ wild, brother!”
-Hogan, at NBC’s Burbank, CA offices, October, 2007

Already announced on infinitely more reputable news outlets is that Terry Bollea (aka Terry Boulder, aka Super Destroyer, aka Sterling Golden, aka Ichiban, aka Thunderlips, aka Rip, aka Shep Ramsay, aka Dave Dragon, aka Randolph J. ‘Hurricane’ Spencer) has signed on to host NBC’s 2008 reincarnation of the early to mid-90’s boob tube staple. While the show will still headline competently-athletic, weekend warrior-type Joes, and has-been/never-were professional athletes (see: frighteningly overgrown Abercrombie models) with soft-core porn star-worthy nicknames (Thank goodness!), it is said that the new show will feature “water skills, special effects, and high-tech stunts”.

I don’t know about you, but this kind of talk makes me very concerned. Someone get Joe Rogen’s agent on the phone, and make sure he’s booked solid with UFC duties and stand-up obligations, because frankly, this has testicle-consumption written all over it. They better not be sullying my beloved, innocent Gladiators. They better not be ruining the show that needed little else than weakly-propelled tennis balls to become a global phenomenon.

I’m not joking, Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Q Producer; bust open the locks to the prop warehouse, cart out Assault and The Eliminator as-is (you don’t even need to dust them off!), squeeze the now-over the hill Danny Lee Clark into some Red, White, and Blue, figure-control spandex, round up the rest of the has-been has-been athletes (no disrespect to Nitro), and start shooting this thing. It’s a can’t miss.

With the wrestling icon/reality show star/recent divorcee/future defendant in a potentially devastating civil suit at the helm, Hogan is making sure not to pass up a good (and insanely lucrative) opportunity twice (he was once offered to be the face of what would come to be known as the ‘George Foreman’ Grill), and he might wind up needing this money.

If I may, however, make one humble suggestion: that is, to increase the danger factor of the show, Battle Dome-style (namely, in the Jake Fury/gruesomely disgusting ankle injury sort of way). Awe hell – who am I kidding?! All I really want is for them to shoot a live-action version of Smash TV. They don’t even have to call it American Gladiators.

Whatever the case, this show’s gotta be better than Ryan Seacrest’s Gladiators 2000.

And at least the Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill turned out to be just as successful as the George Foreman Grill, right?

Sorry, I just can’t help myself.