Remi-NES-cing: Brooklyn’s Italian Plumber Brothers

In the roughly 30-year history of home video games, there have been a select few titles and characters that became iconic, dare I say legendary. Link, Sonic The Hedgehog, Solid Snake, Ryu, etc. However, the most enduring of all could in fact be a mustachioed plumber from Brooklyn, New York. One who along with his brother and faithful companion Luigi, would revolutionize the way people thought about video games forever. Of course, I refer to the man himself, Mario Mario…and no that’s not a typo. If they truly are the Mario Bros., their names would be Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. It doesn’t say a whole lot for their parents’ creativity, but fugeddaboutit, who cares? “Super Mario Bros.” for the NES has earned a permanent place on the short list of the greatest games in history.

This is the game that not only altered side-scrolling adventure titles, but also games as a whole and as a marketable entity. This game and other successful titles that followed made the Nintendo Entertainment System a sales juggernaut in 1985, one that would reign supreme for over the next half-decade to come…but back to the gameplay. Using just Mario or both he and Luigi, it’s the player’s objective to navigate 8 entire levels of side-scrolling obstacles, including goombas, cannons, creatures that drop spiky things out of clouds…mama mia! But have no fear, just like the toilets and septic tanks they probably faced in Brooklyn, Mario and Luigi don’t go into this adventure empty-handed. They have extra lives, invincibility stars and fireflowers (which give them the ability to shoot fire projectiles) to help them persevere to the next level.

Speaking of levels, “Super Mario Bros.” takes this notion literally, as the brothers will find themselves facing dangers at all heights high in the sky, underground and even underwater. But fa Napla, in the hands of a skilled player the Super Mario Bros. will be squashing goombas and cannon fire left and right! Be prepared however to meet your doom repeatedly though, as shifty platforms, enemies appearing from nowhere and mistimed jumps can spell the temporary end for the Italian plumber siblings moonlighting as video game heroes. However, there are several ways to progress through the game, some easier than others, one way are the warp pipes.

Scattered throughout the game are a few warp pipes, or alternate routes which allow the player to bypass the normal progression of the game’s levels. While some haughty purists may look at using the warp pipes as electronic blasphemy, gamers tired of getting their asses burned by a Bowser dragon for the 11th straight time will appreciate these rare shortcuts. In the screenshot above, Mario looks ready to make that journey to level 4. While he was accustomed to facing the grimiest pipes of New York City’s toughest borough in his day job, nothing could have prepared the brothers for pipes that would instantly transport them through another world. Then again, they could be running through those pipes at warp speed themselves, courtesy of the performance-enhancing substances that my fellow colleague here at BR Aaron wrote about this week…and I’m not talking about garlic and onions. Ah Madonne!

At the end of every level, Mario or Luigi race through a castle with the time ticking, in order to face what appears to be a Bowser dragon and defeat it (of course in Saddam Hussein-esque impostor fashion, the first 7 aren’t really him). There really isn’t too much to defeating them, you just need to avoid the fire-breathing and hammer-throwing of the dragons in order to reach the axe on the opposite side of the bridge. Touching it will spell “game over” for the Bowser dragon as they drop into the lava (or as far as the brothers are concerned, marinara) faster than a platter of calamari with a side of clam sauce. That’s a spicy meatball! In addition, defeating the first 7 dragons will liberate another Toad-resembling citizen of the Mushroom Kingdom who helpfully informs our hero that Princess Toadstool (she’s not quite Peach yet) is being held prisoner in another castle. Vaffanculo!

Vanquishing the REAL Bowser at the end of level 8 at last brings the adventure to a close, and reunites Princess Toadstool with the liberated Toads of the Mushroom Kingdom. Aren’t toads what we dissected in high school biology class? And what the f*ck is a toadstool, anyway? Who came up with this?! Shigeru Miyamoto did, and has been counting his never-ending pile of yen ever since. In any event, history would show us that the plumber brothers from Brooklyn would make repeated trips back to the Mushroom Kingdom, because who wants to clean out dirty pipes in Brooklyn? Actually I would, but only if I had this man to help me:

Remi-NES-cing: Let’s Get Ready To Rumble

Yes, I like professional wrestling…something that I really don’t tell a whole lot of people, due to the judgments people pass about the sport (or is it “sports entertainment” these days?). Anyway, when my brother and I were kids, we were disciples of the orange-skinned behemoth at the top of this article: the one, the only, Hulk Hogan. You see, before the Hulkster was a reality TV dad or TV show host, he was the biggest star in the history of wrestling for over 20 years, making both the WWE’s Vince McMahon and the WCW’s Ted Turner an inconceivable amount of greenbacks. As the all-American good guy, Hogan encouraged his “Hulkamaniacs” to train, say their prayers and eat their dianabol…err, vitamins. Over that time period, Hogan’s face has been licensed for an innumerable amount of products, including one of the first wrestling videogames for a home system, “WWF Wrestlemania” for the NES.

Bigger, better, badder, huh? While today’s wrestling games very closely emulate the spectacle and showmanship of live events, the games of yesteryear lacked a certain…level of detail, let’s say.  In this game, all the wrestlers have the exact same moves: the same basic punches, kicks, and top rope offense from the left and right side corners…that’s it. No flashy special moves or insane-looking Swanton Bombs to be found here, ladies and gents. Man, what were Acclaim and Rare thinking? Yeah that’s right, Rare had a hand in making this game, something I found out while researching this article. The same people who brought us classics like “Killer Instinct”, “Donkey Kong Country” and “Goldeneye 007″ developed this game…wow. How about character realism, you ask? The game features just 6 characters: Hulk Hogan, “Macho Man” Randy Savage, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase, The Honky Tonk Man, Bam Bam Bigelow and Andre The Giant.

Ahhh, the late, great, Andre the Giant…one of the most recognizable wrestlers of all time. Someone sure wouldn’t know by looking at this game though, as from far away, “Andre” more closely resembles King Kong Bundy than anyone else (and no, that’s not a good thing). The only thing that would let you know you’re about to select “The Eighth Wonder of the World” is his curly hair and trademark black singlet with the one strap.

Keeping the recognition factor rolling, in this shot we have the Honky Tonk Man on the left, and a man who makes both big-budget movie cameos and rap albums in his spare time on the right, “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Huh? The Honky Tonk Man’s character sprite honestly resembles my late grandfather, who kept his stylin’ 1950’s pompador for the remainder of his entire life, while Randy Savage’s electronic counterpart more closely resembles Sir Elton John with facial hair if he pumped up at L.A. Fitness nonstop for a month. Man, does he look ready to snap into some Slim Jims.

Not this time though, as Hulk Hogan gets the pin on Macho Man, not long after dropping the Atomic Legdrop of Doom. Oh that’s right, this game doesn’t have any special moves! “Let me tell you something, you Acclaim-a-maniacs out there! What’s the deal, brother?! Where’s my Atomic Legdrop of Doom, dude?! How do you expect me to continue my unbeaten streak of never wanting to lose a match without my Atomic Legdrop, man?!!” Something tells me that Hulky forgot to take his morning injec…vitamin supplement today.

And that’s how the match ends, with the results displayed in a cross-like formation of red, white and blue stars, as if Hogan’s All-American persona didn’t get the jingoistic point across to gamers everywhere.  Luckily, future NES titles such as “WWF Wrestling Challenge” and “WWF Steel Cage Challenge” would improve in quality, but for a first shot, it’s OK. Whatcha gonna do when Hulk Hogan and the rest of the retro WWF crew RUN WILD on you?!

Remi-NES-cing: Back To The Future? Leave This In The Past

I am a HUGE fan of the 1985 film “Back to the Future” – dare I say, the biggest fan on this planet. I know the complete dialogue of the movie just about by heart, have seen it at least 200 times on VHS and DVD, and never once have been bored with it. In summary, I know more about this film and its characters than is probably healthy for a normal human being. So when I had heard as a young child that an NES game was going to be made out of my all-time favorite movie, I had no choice than to cast my small glass of chocolate milk skyward in sheer joy…that is, until I actually played the game. One might then be able to ask how such a memorable movie could have been turned into the substance of a gamer’s worst nightmares…well, allow me to power up our little way-back machine to 88 miles per hour to show you one of the NES’s biggest gaps in its space-time continuum.

“Back to the Future” was the top-grossing film of 1985, doing roughly $200+ million in domestic business alone. It featured a memorable cast, great performances, and a (pardon the pun) timeless story. The NES game of the same name was the very opposite, with LJN Studios liberally adapting the movie’s story into what they felt would make a decent adventure game, but just fell flat. The game begins with Marty McFly already in 1955, racing valiantly against time in the hopes of getting….you guessed it, back to the future. I guess LJN felt that a cool beginning with Doc Brown getting shot by the Libyans and Marty going headlong into the past via the DeLorean would have been too intense for a young audience – holy sh*t!

Yup, there’s “Marty McFly”, clad in a sleeveless black tanktop and jeans looking like he just came from the set of “Grease”. Call me crazy, but somehow I don’t remember Michael J. Fox ripping off John Travolta in any way, shape or form during the movie. Second, what’s “Marty” doing, you may ask? He’s running through the streets of Hill Valley trying to obtain more time in the past by…get this…collecting miniature clocks! Doesn’t the wonderful irony of this game just slay you already? Plus, if you’ve seen the first level, you’re seen the first five also as they are just about identical. During these walking levels, not only is “Marty” on a quest for more time in 1955, but he’s also hurtling forward against many dangers, things that would strike fear into the hearts of men with cojones of steel. These include flying bees, girls playing with hula hoops, manholes, thugs, and a pair of workmen moving aimlessly back and forth holding a pane of glass. All the while, the most repetitive and annoying loop of MIDI music in history plays at a distinctly loud volume throughout the game. If there ever was a more appropriate time than this to recite Biff Tannen’s signature question of “Hello? Anybody home?” while knocking on the hollow craniums of this game’s development team, I defy anyone to find it.

If you somehow have collected enough time to make it through the perilous streets of 1955 Hill Valley, the player arrives at Lou’s Cafe, a recognizable setting from the film. However, what “Marty” accomplishes here again is nowhere near as cool as the film’s scene of jumping Biff and his Brylcreem-wearing goons, and goading them into a fast-paced game of chicken that ended up with them meeting a manure truck up close and personal. Here “Marty” stands behind the lunch counter throwing milkshakes at white t-shirt-wearing bad guys…I really wish I was kidding you. The object is to send 50 of them down to the cafe floor via the tasty milkshakes to the face, which wouldn’t be so bad if the directional aim wasn’t so awkward. Standing directly in front of one of the bad guys is no guarantee you will hit them, as many attempts at this have shown me. When the bad guys reach the counter, “Marty” sails off it faster than a slider with a side of chili fries straight into the door. Losing at this level, by the way, returns you to the previous stages. “Whoa, this is heavy…”

If you’ve managed to pass the cafe stage through divine intervention or some other form of a miracle, you return to the bad streets of Hill Valley collecting clocks. Man, give this poor kid a break already! It’s almost like Principal Strickland himself designed the game, hoping to punish “Marty” and all the other delinquent students of the world…”SLACKER!”. Another few levels of town danger will eventually lead to the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance stage, where Marty must collect the right notes for his horrible MIDI rendition of “Johnny B. Goode” so that his parents will fall in love. Music fans might appreciate this attempt to insert their passion into the game, but I’ll tell you one thing folks, “Guitar Hero” it’s not. Not to mention the fact that the buttheads at LJN bastardized a classic rock ‘n roll tune. “Chuck, it’s Marvin…your cousin, Marvin Berry! You know that new sound you’re looking for? Well, listen to this!” No thanks, Marvin.

FINALLY, we have a level that actually makes some sense and is relatable from the film itself…sort of. “Marty” is hoping to hit the lightning-struck wire at 88 miles per hour, that will send 1.21 gigawatts into the DeLorean’s flux capacitor and him back to his time period of 1985. Of course, the film doesn’t have “Marty” dodging dozens of lightning bolts as if he had directly challenged the great Zeus himself, but if one has suspended their disbelief in the game up to this point in time, this should come as no real surprise.

Yup, if you managed to transport the DeLorean and “Marty” back to 1985, all that effort results in this single black screen which seems to leave the door open for a game sequel (one which would not only be released, but actually has LESS to do with anything resembling “Back to the Future” than this game does…seriously ). Where we’re going in the future, not only will we not need roads, we also won’t need movie licenses shamelessly pimped out to make less-than-quality games. Great Scott!

That image sums up my reaction to this game better than any other ever could.

Remi-NES-cing: Turtles Kick Shell In The Arcade, Then On NES

As discussed in the previous entry, our favorite fighting mutated turtles didn’t exactly receive the best of starts on the NES platform. Their franchise kicked off with a subpar game which was vastly inferior in every way to the games that would follow. While the original cart was frustrating players everywhere in June 1989, a true representative of what a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game could be was stealing the lunch money and allowances of thousands of kids worldwide, the TMNT Arcade Game.

Featuring detailed full-color graphics, challenging levels and four-player compatibility, the TMNT Arcade Game was a player’s (and fan’s) dream come true. Apart from the aforementioned features, the game displayed a full intro featuring the classic TMNT theme song and filled the levels with recognizable enemies from the animated television series. Foot clan? Hordes of them, in all colors and carrying various weapons. Rocksteady and Bebop? Everyone’s favorite bumbling bad guys are here (twice in the arcade, and once each in the NES version). You say you wanted mousers? Try battling a giant one. Krang? The diabolical pink brain takes you on (artificial body and all) in the final level, before Shredder himself also appears. The lack of instant character recognition in the prior NES game does not show up here, which makes fans of the series feel right at home. Also, the easy learning curve as it relates to the controls made this a popular title for groups of friends to just go to an arcade, pick up the game and play. All one needs to know is the jump and attack buttons, and that a special attack can be performed by each turtle by pressing both buttons simultaneously.

Now, with the game having been out for the better part of a year, and resulting in a mass loss of disposable childhood income, the game was ported to the NES under the name of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game”. If you want to know why it was “TMNT II”, read the prior edition of “Remi-NES-cing” to see why Ultra Games left players with a serious case of shell shock in the first game. The NES edition of the TMNT Arcade Game plays very similar to its source version, with some differences of course. Being that the NES was only a 2-player system at most, the ability for a gamer and three of their friends to face Shredder and his minions all at the same time was gone. In addition, hardware limitations would necessitate the removal of the detailed graphics, cut scenes and voice clips so prominently featured in the arcade version. While these touches are somewhat missed, in the grand scheme of things they ultimately do not detract from what is one of the most timeless and fun beat-’em-up action games ever. Eagle-eyed players may also notice the addition of graphics advertising a famous pizza restaurant (it’s the turtles, what else?) in level backgrounds in the NES version…I swear, the corporate suits will find a way to latch onto anything. Talk about not-so-veiled subliminal marketing.

Two key differences as it pertains to the arcade and NES versions have to do with a level boss, as well as two additional levels themselves. In the original arcade version, the turtles would dispatch arguably the dumbest henchmen of all time in Rocksteady and Bebop individually in the first two levels, then face them both in a “tag-team” match (for lack of a better phrase) at the end of the fifth level. For the NES home version, the players instead do battle with deranged scientist Baxter Stockman. By this point, players will have already defeated the hair-brained madman in human form, but this time he returns in his mutated insect form and is a lot tougher. For the uninitiated who may be wondering how a sniveling, failed runt of a scientist is transformed into a homicidal insect, let classic animated history enlighten you:

Furthermore, two additional levels were added to the NES version, one of which was a snowfield that ended with players battling an evil, leather jacket-wearing polar bear….ok. To elaborate, the polar bear doing the bad Fonz impersonation was in control of a weathermaker, an electronic device that will change the weather of the environment in which it’s located at the whim of its controller. And since he’s a polar bear, of course NYC was going to be turned into a frozen tundra, a plot device which literally escaped the logical thought process of my 6-year old self who played this game years ago. I’m sure if Raphael were here, he’d make a smart-ass remark alluding to my dense-ness, and in this case he’d be correct.

For those who really want to play the game, but can’t find an arcade with the original version, or an NES to play the home edition, here’s some info for you. A port of the original arcade edition was included in the X-Box game “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Battle Nexus”, and in the X-Box Live Arcade for 400 Microsoft points. For those who want to again play the NES home edition, fear not, for it will soon be available on the Wii Virtual Console. TURTLE POWER LIVES!

P.S. For some serious comedy, go onto Youtube and check out some satire videos called “TMNT: Bastardized”. If you’re a fan, this is a guaranteed crack-up!

Remi-NES-cing: Adolescent Mutated Fighting Terrapins Make Their NES Debut

My inspiration for this article came from an unlikely place, as a younger cousin of mine confessed that he did not know who the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were…yes, dear reader, you read that correctly. I asked myself, what kind of a cold, cruel world could bear such blasphemy? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are some of the most famous, most profitable and most recognizable fictional characters in history, especially to my generation who grew up in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s. As kids, my friends and I seemingly couldn’t turn a corner without hearing someone shouting Michaelangelo’s trademark “Cowabunga!” catchphrase or Rocksteady’s classic snarl of “Eat blazing electric death, toitles!”. OK, maybe that last one was just me (although, growing up in NJ, I was exposed to many people who pronounced “toitles” that way). Hell, as Kwech here from this blog could also testify to, in 1989 our elementary school renamed its pizza menu selection on Fridays to “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pizza”…I kid you not. It was just an example of how ubiquitous the TMNT were at that time. In any case, the late 80’s were very kind to the franchise, as they were also to the NES video game console. And when the two inevitably met, classic stuff was bound to happen, right? Here’s where Shredder could angrily retort “Not so fast!”.

When many people think of TMNT for the NES, images of the more well-known and amazingly kick-ass TMNT II: The Arcade Game by Konami come to mind. That game was a side-scrolling, beat-’em-up title that is still spoken of in reverent tones today among fans and gamers alike (and which will be the subject of next’s week column). But no, to the insufferable chagrin of fans everywhere, arriving first in June 1989 was a game titled simply “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”…for which a legitimate case may be made as one of the most difficult video games to complete in recorded history. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

Yes reader, you are NOT colorblind, those are indeed your favorite fighting foursome of adolescent terrapins skilled in martial arts. “But why are they all wearing red headbands – do you play as Raphael and three of his clones in this game?” The answer to that is the box art was taken from an unused cover of the original Mirage Comics series, where all four turtles did wear red headbands. In addition, outside of a few exceptions such as Rocksteady, Bebop and Shredder, no famous enemies make an appearance in the game, nor does the classic theme song show up. I possess no degree in business or marketing, but I propose this question: Since the cartoon series and other merchandise had all but exploded by this point, wouldn’t it have been obvious to include these details? It doesn’t make much sense, does it? Speaking of the nonsensical, let’s get into the gameplay.

The player has the opportunity to select from each of the turtles to begin the game, each of whom have their signature weapons and modest-sized energy bar. As an admittedly cool feature, each turtle can be swapped in during game play to capitalize on their unique martial arts skills. But, what the developers don’t tell you is that the player only has four total opportunities to complete the game, including three continues. While that doesn’t sound too unreasonable at a distance, playing the game for more than one minute will clearly illustrate why completing it ranks somewhere up with climbing Mount Everest or braving a 10,000-foot long walk over hot burning coals on life’s difficulty scale (both activities which I would gladly rather undertake than attempting this game again).

The artificial intelligence of the enemies in this game is almost frightening, as they seemingly know how to counteract your attacks in most cases. And I’m not talking about just level boss characters here, I’m talking about your run-of-the-mill enemies, almost all of whom walk through the levels ready to serve up a fresh batch of turtle soup…and in many cases succeed. Enemies wield all kinds of fire, boomerangs and other weapons, not to mention re-spawn when you walk off-screen and return…son of a bitch. Judging by how the levels are designed, it almost seemed like Ultra was going out of their way to teach the consumer a lesson for daring to purchase their game.

Another unfortunate downside to this game is the absolute unforgiving nature of the controls. Here’s one of my “favorites” – this is a jump that’s really difficult to complete unless the player lands on the platform just right with a precise touch. If not, your selected turtle will be taking a permanent dip in the sewer – yeah, that’s right, if one of your turtles (animals native to water) falls in the stream, they DIE. How does this make one iota of logical sense? I feel that I need to quote famous Nintendo nerd James here with his all-too-appropriate angry inquiry: “They’re turtles for f*ck’s sake! They can’t even swim?!”

If you’ve made it past the dam level, requiring the player to defuse 8 bombs in the Hudson River in a short time limit (while dodging traps and electrified algae no less – I guess the turtles CAN swim after all!), then you at least have a shot of making it to the final battle a few levels later in the Technodrome. And if by some chance you accomplish that task, then I truly feel you’re a candidate for the Nobel Prize…scientists and scholars be damned! One such gamer is Blake “Spider-Waffle” Piepho, who somehow managed to conquer this beast in just over 20 minutes. Fortunately for other less-skilled gamers and especially TMNT fans, the next entry to come down the pike would prove to be the opposite of everything this first game was – and go on to provide as many hours of sheer entertainment as this game dispensed hours of sadomasochistic frustration.

Remi-NES-cing: A Legend You May Know

Many years ago, Shigeru Miyamoto spent his childhood in the countryside of Kyoto, Japan, hanging out with his friends and exploring the terrain. They would embark on their own little adventures, hoping to find mountain caves or hidden lakes. Later in life, when Miyamoto was just another cog in the machine known as Nintendo’s R&D team, he took his childhood experiences and created a myth, a legend…one that would become a fabric of our childhoods. “The Legend Of Zelda” for the NES.

Miyamoto’s tale was simple, but therein lay its accessibility. The realm of Hyrule was in turmoil, being terrorized by an unknown scourge named Ganon; who had not only stolen the Triforce of Power, but also kidnapped Princess Zelda (who herself possessed the Triforce of Wisdom). As the coup-de-grace of the evil son of a b*tch’s plan, he split up the remaining Triforce of Courage into 8 pieces, scattered in underground dungeons throughout the land. There is only one hero with the testicular fortitude to save Hyrule, and that is…well, whatever you choose to call him.

Though the protagonist of the series would forever be branded as “Link”, in this first game you could call him by whatever name you wanted that was less than 9 letters. If you wanted the hero of this story to be called “Pukeface”, lo and behold, all you had to do was enter that name on the adventurer’s registration screen. When the game starts, you are smack dab in the middle of the 128-screen overworld with no sword or shield. Luckily for us though, this was the first game ever to have a battery pack inside the cartridge allowing the player to save games. While this feature is no more than an afterthought today, back in 1986 this was cause for RPG gamers to change the color of their pants in sheer delight. Gone were the days of staying inside on sunny afternoons, avoiding all human contact to try and defeat Ganon before dinnertime.

Of course, your main objective is to retrieve all the pieces of the Triforce of Wisdom and commence to opening a medieval can of whoop-ass on Ganon, located somewhere on Death Mountain, a name which I’m sure sent a shiver up the spines of countless kindergarten students. In this screencap from the third dungeon, Link battles gelatinous blobs and their smaller incarnations, which my 4-year old self referred to as “Hershey Kisses”. Come on people, the resemblance is more than a coincidence!

The dungeons gradually become harder to complete, requiring you to upgrade your weapons and other items if you want any chance of winning. I’ve probably accelerated my path towards ulcers by how angry I would get as a kid when I would die in the harder dungeons. On one occasion, I had forgotten to stop by the fairy fountain to recover my life energy (as shown in the above picture) and as a result, a group of Octoroks laid the smack down on me quicker than a hiccup. In response, my loyal NES controller felt the brunt of my disappointment by being dislodged from the console and hurrying to its imminent business meeting with the wall on the living room’s opposite side.

But nonetheless, I did eventually surpass the eight treacherous dungeons and make my way to the hidden ninth labryinth, Death Mountain. After many an untimely demise, plus a tenfold rinse and repeat of the events in the last paragraph, I entered the final door, psyched and prepared to face the mythical Ganon. With my sword and bow equipped with silver arrows at the ready, I imagined what this legendary fiend would really look like. When I first opened the game, the guidebook gave no clues, only the mystery of the “?”. As I prepared to face my fate like David meeting Goliath, I then saw my foe in the dimly-lit final chamber.

WHAT???!!!!! The man who wreaked havoc on the realm of Hyrule is this overgrown oinker who looks like he’s a young girl blushing at a school dance? What the f*ck? Fighting him proves to be very frustrating, as he plays “hide-and-I’m-going-to-kill-you” with his tactic of disappearing and shooting deadly balls of evil energy at the player. The player must resort to stabbing random places as the bastard has no pattern, you just have to hope you stab him with your sword as he’s going by. But once you have him stunned, hit the pig with the silver arrows and he disappears quicker than Lindsay Lohan’s jail sentence.

With the evil vanquished, Link enters the final room and rescues Princess Zelda, held captive by several fireballs that go away when you stab them….ok, then. Zelda then congratulates you for being the hero and peace returning to the land, followed by the helpful Captain Obvious dialogue of “this ends the story”. Gee, I wonder if Nintendo’s Japanese development team really thought American audiences were that stupid? Then again, we did have plenty of people still clinging to Betamax at that time, so maybe their view had some merit.

In any case, this game kickstarted one of the most successful game franchises in history, one whose games are just as enjoyable today as they were 20 years ago. A main difference now is that you can physically act out the adventure on the Wii, killing Gleeoks and getting a hell of a cardio workout in at the same time. Now that, ladies and germs, is truly legendary.

Remi-NES-cing: I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson

Besides the title of this article being the name of a hit song for Jeff “DJ Jazzy Jeff” Townes and Will “The Fresh Prince” Smith in 1989, it was also the mindset of every boxer to step into the ring with Mike Tyson, post-James “Buster” Douglas. An impossible underdog at Vegas odds of 42-1, Douglas scored the biggest upset in boxing history by KO’ing Tyson in the 10th round of their bout on February 11, 1990.

But before that historic fight, the rape conviction and eventual descent into self-parody, Mike Tyson (otherwise known as “Iron Mike” and “Kid Dynamite”) was the scariest motherf*cker on the planet. An undefeated pro and undisputed champion with a 37-0 record, who in the ring exuded the channeled rage of a Roman gladiator. And in Mattel’s eyes, the perfect antagonist for a video game.

And thus in 1987, Tyson became the youngest heavyweight champion to star in his own video game, “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!” for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES).

The player took up the fighting career of teenage pugilist Little Mac, who at 17 and a menacing 107 pounds, decided he wanted to be heavyweight champion of the NES world. Little Mac’s opponents gradually increase in skill and ability, and the player must adapt to the fighters’ patterns. In fact three opponents (Piston Honda, Don Flamenco and Bald Bull) return to face Little Mac in rematches, apparently deciding that one humiliating ass-whupping courtesy of a glorified teenage punk wasn’t quite enough.

The characters themselves border on the laughable and stereotypical. A few examples include Glass Joe as a Frenchman who can’t fight, Von Kaiser as a haughty German, Don Flamenco as a…you guessed it, Flamenco dancer, not to mention Soda Popinski as a bullying, Russian caffeine addict…or was he?

It should be noted that the original character’s name was even more stereotypical and a whole lot less subtle, if you can believe it…Vodka Drunkenski. Apparently, Nintendo in their omniscience decided that they didn’t want to inspire future alcoholics but caffeine addicts were A-OK! To hell with irregular heart rates, child-onset diabetes, and accelerated tooth rot! Not to mention the fact that they made Little Mac out to be Rocky Balboa’s younger and effeminate brother via this training sequence, appearing twice in the game:

That image may live to haunt my nightmares, ladies and gentlemen. We see that Little Mac’s training method involves running in his world’s toughest S.O.B.-esque pink jumpsuit behind his bicycle-riding trainer, Doc Louis, who in the pre-fight screens resembles Al Roker in the middle of a rectal exam gone horribly awry.

All that leads up to the big showdown with the man himself, Iron Mike Tyson.

His fighting style is fast and hard-hitting, knocking the player down in one punch if you’re not careful. But that being said, if you learn his pattern you can emulate Buster Douglas and send Iron Mike crashing to the canvas for good in the 2nd or 3rd rounds.

The fallen champ even congratulates you on your boxing superiority:

Of course, missing in this release is the second screen where Tyson tells me this:

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

It’s amazing how they somehow managed to fit all of that on the screen.