Profile in Courage: The Swinging Times of Sirius Black
An important part of any celebration is the veneration of individual deeds under great individual duress by, well, individuals. Black History Month is certainly no stranger to this concept and I would like to contribute to that by profiling one of the long misunderstood stories in the magical word, the shady imprisonment of one Sirius Black. The Ministry of Magic would like you to think Black was implicated in murder to the grossest degree, but some investigative reporting has uncovered the true story behind Black’s imprisonment.
A noted supporter of Wizard’s Anonymous, the Order of the Phoenix and the American Gladiators football team, Black is also famous for his skills as an animagus and for being the godfather of Harry James Potter. Our story begins on a hot day in June 768, which in Muggle years was 1969.
During this summer of ’69, Sirius and his friend, Bryan Adams were touring the wizarding world and playing to sold out venues with the rock band, 3 Inches of Blood. After a particular rough patch of partying and orc slaying, the two decided to stop off at Hogwart’s School for Witchcraft and Cheese-whizery to visit Black’s godson, Harry Potter. When they arrived, Black and Adams hung out with Potter and his friend, Ron Weasel, and all was well, that is until Hermione ‘Danger’ Granger showed up.
In spite of forty years of magical conquests and nights of pillaging throughout the tour with 3 Inches of Blood, Sirius was thunderstruck by the startling appearance of Ms. ‘Danger’ Granger. This under-aged girl was amongst the most attractive witches he’d ever wanted to cast a spell on and he instantly declared, “Damn, you have lit my goblet of fire and I’d easily be a prisoner of Azkaban for just one night with you. Allow me to take you into my chamber of secrets and show you some advanced wandwork. In fact, were it not for a casting mistake, I would also take you to infinity and beyond, but alas, f@*king Tim Allen. But, forget about that, I would like to quote the wizard Nelly and tell you that ‘it’s getting hot in here, so take off all your magical robes, house badges, long British school girl socks, and britches.’
Suffice to say, Harry and Ron were angry and on the verge of a British drive-by since they didn’t want to be wand blocked by a forty year old man. However, ‘Danger’ Granger was intrigued and godfather Sirius made them all an offer they couldn’t refuse. Always looking for more, Adams wondered, “Can’t we make it all for one and all for love?”
Sirius, always wary of crossing wands and misfires in a duel, said no. While Sirius and Hermione crept up to an upper dormitory room and went all out with missionary, doggy-style and Gryffindor positions, Bryan Adams broke out a few kegs, ping pong balls, and some Deadly Sinners for Quidditch pong. As a mainstream rocker, Adams easily drank Potter and Weasel under the table before proceeding to snort several crushed piles of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean. Wasted beyond belief, Adams ran into the passed out body of Ron Weasel, grabbed a video camera and proceeded to inflict a dark mark upon the sleeping wizard. Every lurid detail of the midnight rape and the nude gay art show that took place in the bedroom was captured on video – a video whose infamy far outstrips that of R. Kelly’s dog and the pikachu.
Once the morning came around and everyone realized what had happened all hell broke loose – think dangerous high voltage chaos. Hermione ‘Danger’ Granger freaked and wondered what would happen if Hogwarts found out she was pregnant, Harry was upset that his Godfather laid his magical wand on a girl he had wanted, and Ron was horrified to learn that his sorting hat had been sorted by Bryan Adams in video-taped glory.
In the convoluted scene that unfolded, the door of the Gryfindor common room burst open to reveal the angry face of Headmaster Albus Dumblebore. He expelled Bryan Adams from the wizarding world, where he journeyed back to Earth and produced award winning music that got him into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. Ron was sent to a psychiatrist to repair the damage done by his rape, Potter was given double-secret probation for his Quidditch pong playing, and ‘Danger’ Granger was sent up the headmaster’s office.
Dumblebore had Sirius taken away to Azkaban prison for sexual misconduct with a minor. Defiant to the end, Black winked at Dumblebore and muttered, “She already lit my goblet of fire.”
Not one to be outdone, Dumblebore shot back, “Enjoy prison. Ms. ‘Danger’ Granger will be juggling my sorcerer’s stones in her mouth while some wizard’s Firebolt 9000 is playing Quidditch with your back side.”
