Legend Of Zelda Film = April Fools

Between catching up on professional duties among other things, I had to take a brief hiatus from posting here on BR – but when I saw this baby put up on IGN, I knew immediately that my hiatus HAD to come to an end.

Is it a real film? Sort of. Apparently, it’s some kind of a fan-made production (and not a bad one at that), but it’s not the officially-licensed and budgeted blockbuster that IGN made it out to sound like for their annual April Fools’ prank. I did happen to look at my calendar and see that it was April 1 before watching the trailer, but admittedly the old-school fanboy in me had a small ray of hope that maybe…just maybe, it could be true.

Though it isn’t what I was hoping for, should this fan-made production ever see the light of day I will check it out anyway. Because let’s face it: could it really be any worse than the film adaptations of Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter, etc.? I know there’s a certain irony to see classically-trained British actor Bob Hoskins faking a bad Italian accent and a primitive delight to Jean-Claude Van Damme’s gung-ho speech, but the Zelda series is a whole different bag of rupees. And should it ever really be made into a film, all I ask is that Ganon doesn’t turn out to be played by somebody like George Clooney. His turn as Batman was so well-received that they didn’t make another one until 8 years had passed.

But in conclusion, this was a cool prank by IGN, and I would be interested in seeing a finished product (if it ever comes to fruition).

A New Hope? Nope, a New Headache

It took the Rebellion decades to unseat the Imperial powers in the galaxy, but now it could take even longer to clean up the mess plaguing the Jedi.  Having reformed and restrengthened the Jedi, the reformed Jedi High Council has come under intense scrutiny for it’s ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy concerning interstellar sexual relations.  Rampant abuses to the policy have spiraled out of control and what had once been dismissed as simply a Phantom Menace is now a full blown scandal.

Essentially, the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy was instituted to replenish the decimated ranks of Jedi after Order 69, er 66.  What happened next was cover-up after cover-up with the Jedi High Council continuously brushing over the sexual transgressions of numerous Jedi.  After complaints from across the galaxy and millions of victims that can’t be silenced (shouldn’t have blown up that Death Star), Yaddle, spokeswoman for the High Council, released the following statement: “Failed the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy has. Saddened the High Council is. Pay the victims we shall.”

As senior member of the council, Yaddle has instructed Mace Windu with carrying out this purge off within the Jedi ranks.  Mace, who got his start programming computers before a dinosaur ate him, quickly rose up the Jedi ranks with his mastery of the light-saber, his amazing brewing skills, and his propensity to scream kick-ass phrases at the top of his lungs has been hunting down the renegade Jedi. 

His most high profile Jedi captive and the defacto face of the Jedi sex scandal is former Commander and savior of the universe, Luke Skywalker.  As clearly stated in the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy, incest is a clear violation of proper Jedi sexual conduct and Commander Skywalker’s continuous, ambiguous conduct with Princess Leia raised too many questions for Mace to digest.  When asked how difficult it was to bring in the heroic Luke Skywalker for his Court Martial trial, Mace responded, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.”

(The following is a transcript of the cross examination)

Mace: Commander Skywalker, were you aware that the Princess was not only your sister by birth, but your twin sister?
Luke: What?
Mace: What country are you from?
Luke: What?
Mace: What ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Luke: What?
Mace: Say what again. Say what again, motherf@#$er, say what one more Goddamn time!

After stone-walling throughout the questioning, Skywalker was dismissed and Windu called Chewbacca to testify. The Wookie detailed rampant sexual encounters in the Millenium Falcon between the Commander and Princess, including Bantha Fodder positions, Droid Sex Games, Dark Side 69’s, and Hoth Cleveland Steamers. A particular vivid depiction of the Hoth Cleveland Steamer was related on the way to the Death Star while Obi Wan taped it with R2-D2’s droid camera.  But the most damning testimony came when Chewbacca said, “GRRaaaarrrrooouuugggghhhhhhaaaaaa“.

After the Court Martial of Skywalker, Windu and the High Council turned towards other Jedis guilty of sexual transgressions. Alarmingly demonstrating how deeply seated the sexual misconduct was, Windu uncovered misconduct amongst one of the High Council, senior councilman Yoda. The diminutive Jedi master was investigated and a sordid past revealed. Famously seen in Episode Three uttering the words, “Go, I will. Good relations with the Wookies, I have,” Yoda was seemingly given a free pass, in spite of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy’s strictly forbidding Wookie orgies. Arrested by Windu, Yadoo released a simple statement, ”Not if anything to say about it I have”.

As Mace Windu’s unpopular investigation continues, he has been able to recruit a powerful ally in his quest for a tasty burger and a sexually legal Jedi environment in General Jan Dodonna.  Dodonna, famous for finding the Death Star’s weakness and establishing the first French McDonald’s on Alderaan, expressed optimism in purging the Jedi ranks of sexual deviants.  He maintains that “this is the Rebel Alliance and it’s not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez, and these Cincinnati bow-ties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls. That’s all I got to say ‘bout that.”

Mace Windu has been so thorough that not even the dead Jedis have escaped his inquiries. Summoning the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi and questioning him about his relationship with Skywalker, Windu eventually had him arrested. He was able to determine that Kenobi taped several of the incestuous romps of Luke and Leia with a camera attached to R2-D2, which upset the juvenile droid. After repeatedly witnessing these violations, R2-D2 got his revenge by taping an incident involving Kenobi’s early training of young Master Skywalker and showing it to Mace Windu.

(the following is a transcript of portions of that tape)

Obi-Wan: You don’t like girls, Luke.
Luke: I don’t like girls.
Obi-Wan: They’re not the ones you’re looking for.
Luke: They’re not the ones I’m looking for.
Obi-Wan: I can go about my business with your light-saber.
Luke: You can go about your business with my light-saber.
Obi-Wan: Pull your pants down.
Luke: Pull my pants down… pull my pants down.

Obi-Wan’s use of the force to force Skywalker into under-aged sex was a clear violation of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy and after a quick Court Martial trial, Kenobi was sentenced to the death penalty.

The investigation continues, more well known Jedis come under arrest, and the organization continues to be cleansed by the efforts of Mace Windu. Unfortunately, Mace has become a very unpopular figure during this investigation and after enduring abuse from many of the Jedi, he screamed, ”That’s it, I’ve had it with these motherf@#$ing Jedi, on this motherf@#$ing plane with their Wookie sex and droid love.” When asked to further weigh in on the punishment for these dishonored Jedi, Windu said, “Well allow me to retort; yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!”

Cyberpunk Cinema: Robocop 2

Unlike the spectacular subject of Cyberpunk Cinema’s last entry, not every sequel to a popular film ends up meeting expectations…take for instance the film I’ll be discussing today, “Robocop 2″. The original was both a cyperpunk action/sci-fi movie and biting social commentary all in one, but still having enough of a “soul” where the movie wasn’t totally unlikable. In the sequel, that soul was ripped out just like Alex Murphy’s was — gone were the insights on humanity, memorable villains and cohesive plot. These were replaced by dueling Robocops, throwaway bad-guys and half-explored subplots. Yippee, let the dystopic mayhem run amok!

As if the first movie didn’t show enough how big drugs are of a problem in the Motor City, this time around the addictive narcotic is a red hallucinogen with the oh-so-subtle name of “Nuke”, which threatens the entire populace (as I said, “subtle”.) While investigating the ring of criminals distributing the drug, Robocop has an unwanted meeting with a jackhammer and ends up a cybernetic scrap heap as displayed above. When he’s repaired, he ends up being reprogrammed with commands to do things like help the environment and quote proverbs to a group of thieving schoolchildren, definitely the funniest scenes in the movie. (The scenes were in an in-your-face moment to the hordes of real-life parents’ groups complaining that popular movies were sending dangerous messages to kids about violence.) How Peter Weller managed to play that off with a straight face and making the expressions he does in those scenes is beyond my comprehension. It seems the bad guys have done quite the number on our pal Robo.

Ahh yes, the villains — certainly a part of what made the first film so much fun. Before they were on “E.R” and “That 70’s Show”, Paul McCrane and Kurtwood Smith were some of the slimiest bad guys ever seen on the big screen in “Robocop”. Taking their place this time are a druggie whore, Elvis impersonator, hippie cult leader and…that little guy (Gabriel Damon). Yup, “Robocop 2″ makes the interesting choice of casting a child villain; one who swears like Eddie Murphy circa 1984 and opens fire on cops with reckless abandon. Oh and by the way, thanks to the magic of IMDB, this gun-toting, foul-mouthed, hadn’t-hit-puberty-yet bad guy also has another famous credit to his name…Littlefoot. Yup, one of the main bad guys in “Robocop 2″ was that wimpy dinosaur in “The Land Before Time”…good God. As the old saying goes, you can’t make this s**t up.

Speaking of the hippie cult leader Cain (Tom Noonan), he ends up on the verge of death after a battle with Robocop, and is then himself murdered to provide the brain for Murphy’s replacement. OCP’s trial-and-error process for the new prototype is one of the more gratuitous and humorous sequences in this violent film, one which literally transforms Cain into Robocop 2. As a means of controlling him, they bait him with Nuke, the same narcotic he was hooked on in human form. He can have as much of the drug as he wants, the only catch being that he slaughters his former associates and Robocop. As an interesting aside, look for Frank Miller himself in a brief cameo as a drug chemist/designer (also named Frank) who gets blown up in his own lab.

Needless to say, things don’t exactly turn out how OCP wants, and their new “bastard creation”, as the first film’s Dick Jones would have said, goes on a drug-induced killing spree. The only one who can stop Cain/Robocop 2 is the original, and both of them proceed to fight it out in the OCP headquarters and streets of Detroit. Some of the dialogue before this, including the OCP CEO’s command to the cyborg pair of “Behave yourselves!”, and the wild outbursts of the city’s mayor are laughable and do nothing but add some serious cheese to this sequel. In spite of that, the overacting of the city mayor is actually quite funny (think Don King or Johnnie Cochran on crack).

Ultimately, Robocop’s brain triumphs over Cain’s brawn…or is it the other way around (examine Cain/Robocop 2’s death scene in the film to get the reference)? Robocop’s final line made a reference to his humanity, concluding in a similar fashion to the first film. And that, in my opinion ladies and gents, is where this sequel went wrong. The first 20 minutes partially explores Robocop’s intention to reclaim his humanity and family, something which could have been a key part of the film, then drops it with no explanation. It seems as if he almost accepts his fate as a machine, even when Littlefoot is trying to bust a cap in his steel-plated dome.

Oh and one final caveat, though the credits may say that Frank Miller was the screenwriter on this, he wasn’t totally responsible for this garbage. His original script went through so many rewrites that the finished film utilized almost none of his concepts. If you want to see what “Robocop 2″ could have been, his original script was made into a comic book called “Frank Miller’s Robocop”. Unfortunately, the trend of sequel crappification would only get worse. By the time of the third and last film, Robo was flying like the f*cking Rocketeer and helping to avert a housing crisis — but I’m not even going there. No wonder Miller didn’t return to Hollywood until “Sin City” came out, luckily that time he had creative control…and the difference shows.

Cyberpunk Cinema: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Bigger is better…always the case? Not necessarily, but no one told James Cameron that when he went about filming the sequel to his highly-acclaimed smash hit “The Terminator”. While that movie was produced on a budget smaller than the diet of your average Hollywood starlet, the sequel would command financing of $100 million, making it the most expensive film ever produced (at the time, of course.) With Cameron returning, actors Ahh-nold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton would be reprising their roles as well, with newcomer and future drug addict Eddie Furlong stepping into the spotlight as John Connor.

Since this is an extremely popular and well-known movie, I’ll spare everyone an in-depth recap but will just say this. Since Skynet in all its infinite wisdom failed miserably to kill Sarah Connor in 1984, they figured they would give it the old college try some 10 years later and try to kill her son John, the future leader of the resistance, directly. Skynet would send a T-1000, an updated prototype of the infiltrator unit composed of a mimetic poly-alloy (liquid metal in non-geek speak) to assassinate Connor, while the human resistance would again send back a protector, a reprogrammed version of the Terminator from the first film. Again, the catch being that only one of them could reach John first. When some hardcore fans first heard this scenario, they blanched at the idea of their favorite Austrian killing machine being put into the “good guy” role, however the final product shows that those same fans really underestimated the star of “Kindergarten Cop”.

Initially, there’s just one problem: Sarah Connor. She managed to get herself involuntarily committed to a mental ward and lost custody of her son in the process, failing to live up to her own described status as “mother of the future”. Even though the relationship at the beginning between mother and son flat-out sucks, John breaks with the plans and goes to enact a good, old-fashioned jailbreak, which is successful. Unfortunately, during all that time locked up with fat, sleazy security guards licking her face at night and administering intermittent shock therapy, Sarah forgot how to be a mom. So them getting used to each other is one subplot that would prove crucial later on in the movie. As seen here, she is far from the near-helpless waitress she was upon her introduction in the series.

Meanwhile, the T-1000 (played by Robert Patrick) is in hot pursuit of the heroic trio. Being able to imitate anything he touches, he makes sushi out of various police officers and even John’s foster parents just to hunt him down. Now that’s commitment! Part of what made this film important was the titanic (pardon the pun) leap forward in computer graphics technology that brought the T-1000 to life. While Phil Tippett and Stan Winston did the best they could in 1984 to bring the original Terminator to cybernetic life, to say those stop-motion effects have not aged well would be the understatement of the year. In contrast, though the film was released 17 years ago, the effects hold up fairly well – Industrial Light & Magic deserves an extra big bowl of cheesy poofs for that. On a random note, it is said that when Spielberg saw how well the T-1000 came off in the movie, he realized that CGI had come forward enough where he could attempt to realistically portray dinosaurs on film, leading us to “Jurassic Park”.

In the midst of all this chaos, obsessive Cyberdyne lab tech Miles Dyson (Joe Morton) works feverishly to unlock the secrets behind the CPU chip and cyborg hand that were recovered from the first Terminator in 1984. Allowed to go unchecked, he would actually bring Skynet to life, causing Judgment Day, yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, Sarah actually tries to take him out, but her human compassion comes into play, and she ceases to be the always-cold bitch she was for most of the film. An awesome action sequence follows with the destruction of the Cyberdyne lab, but I won’t spoil that for the 3 people in the world who haven’t seen it yet. Dyson of course, falls on his proverbial sword (of C-4) for the cause of humanity. What a hell of a guy!

In the end, it comes down to a final showdown in a steel mill, and just when you think the good guys are about to be made into human fillet, Ahh-nold comes through and makes a liquid barbecue of the T-1000. Seeking to also prevent Judgment Day, he destroys himself as well, with the unknown future rolling ahead. Now, THAT was the way to end the story, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s where these films ended. My faith in part 3 was totally fragged when Arnold said this sentence. “Judgment Day is inevitable”. WTF? So then why did you have 2 awesome movies dedicated to the heroes preventing something that would eventually happen anyway?!!! ARGH!!! Needless to say, Cameron and the main cast (except Ahh-nold) weren’t involved at all with that monstrosity, and as you can see above, even the T-1000 is wagging the finger of shame at the crew of T-3. Then again, that could just be at himself for starring as the main villain of “Double Dragon”…Good Lord, that sucked.

Valentine’s Day Sucks!!

 

 

Ah, Valentine’s Day… the holiday devoted to sweet tooths, heart aches, the color red, and tacky chocolates (don’t forget the Russell Stover bow!). Since I detest Russell Stover, whoever he was, let’s focus upon the other aspects of V-day, namely vampires. Isn’t it obvious? Sweet tooths, heart aches, and the color red scream blood lust and eternal life. These are the real roots of Valentine’s Day, the adoration of the vampire. All this ‘I will love you forever’ stuff, well *news flash*, only immortal bloodsuckers can love forever.

 

In honor of this bloody helliday, I thought I’d treat all you single guys who read this blog… ok, everyone who reads this blog, to a bloodthirsty competition to decide the deadliest movie vampire in history. There were so many vampire movies to choose from and unfortunately I had to pare it down to the true blooded ones, with apologies to Ankle Biters and Sorority House Vampires. I decided to only look at Underworld, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Interview with a Vampire, and Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust. Furthermore, with so much at stake I need to come up with some sharp rules to govern the competition by and those rules are: only powers exhibited in these movies are granted to the vampire combatants and initial match-ups were determined by movie release dates, oldest movie vs. newest and then the two left over. According to the movies chosen, our immortal combatants are Selene vs. Count Dracula, and Lestat vs. D.

 

I know you’re dying to hear how it all got sorted out, so without further adieu let’s sink our teeth into this riveting account of vampire mortal combat. It’s guarantee not to suck with so much at stake. Let’s read as our four fanged immortals will duke it out tooth, nail and wing for supremacy.

First Round: Selene vs. Dracula

Dracula shambles into the arena humming the Batman theme song. His lordship appears as the old wrinkled man with the heart-shaped haircut, his personal stamp of approval for Valentine’s Day. Selene strides out all sexed out in her tight fitting black leather, hears the song, sees Dracula’s robes, and mutters “And I thought Craven was gay.”

“Velcome my dear, I have question for you,” Dracula begins. “Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks upon this earth is the one who finds… True love?”

“No,” Selene snaps. She whips out her twin Berettas, each packing ultraviolet heat, and executes a perfect, slow motion flip through the air. The camera hugs in tight on her accentuated black leather curves and cleavage, since this is an integral moment in the plot of all action movies. Finishing her flip, she drop kicks Dracula in his two full moons and pumps the oldman vampire with sixty bullets. The big man crumples and Selene crosses his name off her ‘To Kill List’ between Viktor and Stephen Sommers.

Thinking she’s won, Selene is speechless as Dracula rears up from the dust and morphs into the eight foot tall bat demon that melted Hannibal Lecter’s cross. Selene’s guns fall out of her hands and she wets her pants, pleasantly surprised to find out that black leather hides urine stains well. Demonic bat Drac roars and gnashes his teeth to let everyone know how pissed off he is.

 

“Look, I suck at soccer and I know this. I can’t bend it like Beckham so there’s no way I’ll ever get with Keira Knightley. So I decided to go for the Diet-Coke version of Keira, Winona Ryder. Instead of partially fulfilling my fantasy, I was shot, stabbed, staked, kicked, punched, offended by her terrible acting, and worst of all, I ended up losing Winona to Keanu Reeves! Now, you shoot me and kick me in the balls to boot!! AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!! In seconds, Selene is salami and demon Dracula readies for his next victim.

Second Round: Lestat vs. D

Lestat de Cruise enters the arena draped in rich silks and gold jewelry that augment his immortal perfection. In addition, he dons a pair of aviators that scream ‘I’m a late 80’s member of the homoerotic mile high club’. D wears black shoes, black pants, a black shirt, a black cape, and a black hat over his black hair. Lestat de Cruise smiles and taunts D, saying, “That’s right! Ice…man, I am dangerous. ”

D responds by whipping out his long sword and castrating Lestat de Cruise. The sappy Jerry Maguire/Cruise whines, cringes, and looks for Nicole Kidman to tuck him into bed, while the Lestat de Lioncourt in him drags him into combat. With his ability to read thoughts, Lestat de Cruise knows D’s every move before he makes it, soon overcoming the vampire hunter. His opponent down, Lestat de Cruise takes the opportunity to admire his nonexistent reflection in the mirror. He muses, “Too bad Katie Holmes’ reflection isn’t invisible. That way none of us would have to see that half of her face that droops down. Oh well D, time to drink from me and live for nevermore biatch!”

 

Taking advantage of Lestat Cruise’s vane pause, D reaches his parasitic left hand up to the vampire’s face and sucks it right off. After vanquishing the scientology vampire, D’s hand starts puking like Roger Ebert after watching Freddy Got Fingered. A concerned D asks what’s wrong and the hand replies, “I swallowed his fake German accent from Valkyrie…ugh.”

Final Round: A bloody first two rounds finally culminates in Dracula, the father, squaring off against D, the son, to decide which of these fantastic four is the best. Dracula has taken the youthful form of young man Oldman, while D continues his Goth-kid kick in all black. No words are exchanged and D goes to draw his sword… but nothing happens. The vampire hunter doesn’t move, change expression, or do anything but stand there in suspended animation. Dracula smiles and says, “I killed all your animators before I got here. Sucks to be a cartoon doesn’t it?” Dracula wads D up and uses him as toilet paper after draining Selene dry. Having vanquished the others, the Count stakes his claim as no. 1 in the 1^st Annual Valentine’s Day Massacre.

Cyberpunk Cinema: The Terminator

It seems hard to believe now, but Arnold Schwarzenegger used to be an actor. Before he was trying to solve energy crises, smooth over a dozen sexual harassment suits, and write his business address as the California statehouse, Ahh-nold was portrayed for years as the baddest maatha-f*ckah in film. And it started with this movie, the result of a fever dream that a lowly art director/former truck driver had in Rome working on the 5-star classic, “Piranha II”… a director that had been fired twice while working on that film. Something tells me that James Cameron was screaming that he was the king of the world back then, too.

1984’s “The Terminator” was made on a shoestring budget of about $6 million, with Cameron and company literally improvising parts of the production as they went along filming the cyberpunk classic. In the 21st century, machines ruled the world, and by the looks of the endoskeleton pictured above, those in charge sure as hell weren’t PDA’s or iPhones. A badass computer defense system called Skynet caused humanity’s destruction through triggering a nuclear war, setting themselves up to rise from the ashes and take over. Is that a movie, or is that a movie? The premise seems to be more relevant and prescient as the years pass.

The human resistance had one chance, and it was their leader John Connor, who it was said would eventually help his ragtag world militia overrun the machines once and for all. In an act of sheer self-preservation, Skynet sent back a T-800 infiltration unit (code-named “The Terminator”) to kill Connor’s mother Sarah before he was even born, in the year 1984. The resistance planned ahead also, and sent back one of their own to protect Sarah, a battle-hardened young vet, Kyle Reese. But which one would reach her first? Though it seems beyond cliche now, this was some revolutionary stuff in 1984, and made for an entertaining thrill ride of a film. One thing which made it that way was that all the backstory was delivered in the middle of action scenes, making the usually boring process of exposition that much more exciting, a brilliant decision on Cameron’s part.

In the role that made his name, Ahh-nold appears as if he just walked off the set of “Pumping Iron” looked very jui…I mean, jacked, and destroying any obstacles in his path with a minimum of dialogue and a maximum of brutality. The part as written was perfect for the Austrian strongman, although if the original casting had gone down, Schwarzenegger would have been cast as Reese, the protector. In the part of killer would be Lance Henriksen, as Cameron had originally envisioned the Terminator as an anonymous chameleon who would just walk out of a crowd and kill someone. When Ahh-nold read the script, he immediately identified more with the Terminator, seeming to relish in the part of playing a strong cyborg with 17 lines of Eastern European-accented dialogue. As a final interesting (and eerie) tidbit, another original casting choice for the role of the Terminator was O.J. Simpson, however producers didn’t think he could be taken seriously as a vicious killer and didn’t cast him. Eeeee…

Anyway, getting the role of Kyle Reese would be Michael Biehn, a talented character actor who would later appear in other Cameron films, such as “Aliens” and “The Abyss”. While Biehn plays his part well, let’s face it, it’s Ahh-nold who steals the show for the duration of the movie’s 108-minute running time. Whether commandeering vehicles by force, removing his own injured eye or destroying an entire police station, the future Governator comes off as a badass who’s impossible to stop. The success of this movie on home video would catapult demand for a sequel, “Terminator 2: Judgment Day”, which was released in 1991. As far as I’m concerned, that’s where these movies end – don’t bother with the third entry where Ahh-nold’s character ventured into self-parody. I am hearing some good reviews for FOX’s “Sarah Connor Chronicles”, and the casting of Christian Bale for future installments at least ensures that some decent acting will be there. However, it seems that Ahh-nold’s current role as politician will prevent him from appearing, though that might be a blessing in disguise…they would probably re-loop his lines from “Kindergarten Cop” anyway. “It’s not a too-mah, it’s not a too-mah!”

Celebrating Black History Month Part II

Profile in Courage: The Swinging Times of Sirius Black

An important part of any celebration is the veneration of individual deeds under great individual duress by, well, individuals.  Black History Month is certainly no stranger to this concept and I would like to contribute to that by profiling one of the long misunderstood stories in the magical word, the shady imprisonment of one Sirius Black.  The Ministry of Magic would like you to think Black was implicated in murder to the grossest degree, but some investigative reporting has uncovered the true story behind Black’s imprisonment.

A noted supporter of Wizard’s Anonymous, the Order of the Phoenix and the American Gladiators football team, Black is also famous for his skills as an animagus and for being the godfather of Harry James Potter.  Our story begins on a hot day in June 768, which in Muggle years was 1969.

During this summer of ’69, Sirius and his friend, Bryan Adams were touring the wizarding world and playing to sold out venues with the rock band, 3 Inches of Blood.  After a particular rough patch of partying and orc slaying, the two decided to stop off at Hogwart’s School for Witchcraft and Cheese-whizery to visit Black’s godson, Harry Potter.  When they arrived, Black and Adams hung out with Potter and his friend, Ron Weasel, and all was well, that is until Hermione ‘Danger’ Granger showed up.

In spite of forty years of magical conquests and nights of pillaging throughout the tour with 3 Inches of Blood, Sirius was thunderstruck by the startling appearance of Ms. ‘Danger’ Granger. This under-aged girl was amongst the most attractive witches he’d ever wanted to cast a spell on and he instantly declared, “Damn, you have lit my goblet of fire and I’d easily be a prisoner of Azkaban for just one night with you. Allow me to take you into my chamber of secrets and show you some advanced wandwork.  In fact, were it not for a casting mistake, I would also take you to infinity and beyond, but alas, f@*king Tim Allen.  But, forget about that, I would like to quote the wizard Nelly and tell you that ‘it’s getting hot in here, so take off all your magical robes, house badges, long British school girl socks, and britches.’

Suffice to say, Harry and Ron were angry and on the verge of a British drive-by since they didn’t want to be wand blocked by a forty year old man.  However, ‘Danger’ Granger was intrigued and godfather Sirius made them all an offer they couldn’t refuse. Always looking for more, Adams wondered, “Can’t we make it all for one and all for love?”

Sirius, always wary of crossing wands and misfires in a duel, said no.   While Sirius and Hermione crept up to an upper dormitory room and went all out with missionary, doggy-style and Gryffindor positions, Bryan Adams broke out a few kegs, ping pong balls, and some Deadly Sinners for Quidditch pong.  As a mainstream rocker, Adams easily drank Potter and Weasel under the table before proceeding to snort several crushed piles of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean.  Wasted beyond belief, Adams ran into the passed out body of Ron Weasel, grabbed a video camera and proceeded to inflict a dark mark upon the sleeping wizard.  Every lurid detail of the midnight rape and the nude gay art show that took place in the bedroom was captured on video – a video whose infamy far outstrips that of R. Kelly’s dog and the pikachu.

Once the morning came around and everyone realized what had happened all hell broke loose – think dangerous high voltage chaos. Hermione ‘Danger’ Granger freaked and wondered what would happen if Hogwarts found out she was pregnant, Harry was upset that his Godfather laid his magical wand on a girl he had wanted, and Ron was horrified to learn that his sorting hat had been sorted by Bryan Adams in video-taped glory.

In the convoluted scene that unfolded, the door of the Gryfindor common room burst open to reveal the angry face of Headmaster Albus Dumblebore.  He expelled Bryan Adams from the wizarding world, where he journeyed back to Earth and produced award winning music that got him into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame.  Ron was sent to a psychiatrist to repair the damage done by his rape, Potter was given double-secret probation for his Quidditch pong playing, and ‘Danger’ Granger was sent up the headmaster’s office.

Dumblebore had Sirius taken away to Azkaban prison for sexual misconduct with a minor.  Defiant to the end, Black winked at Dumblebore and muttered, “She already lit my goblet of fire.”

Not one to be outdone, Dumblebore shot back, “Enjoy prison.  Ms. ‘Danger’ Granger will be juggling my sorcerer’s stones in her mouth while some wizard’s Firebolt 9000 is playing Quidditch with your back side.”

Cyberpunk Cinema: Robocop

As people who have followed this site can attest to, I’m a huge fan of the movie “Blade Runner.” Just the other day, I found another reason to like it as much as I do, because it gave birth to the idea for the movie I’m going to be talking about today. Screenwriter Ed Neumeier happened upon the “Blade Runner” movie set during filming and asked a crew member what it’s plot was. When Neumeier was told that it was about a cop who hunted down robots, the thought occurred to him…what if the robot and cop were one and the same? Dashing off a script, he titled it “Robocop” and received a unanimous reaction from inside the biz – similar to that of people running away from a person infected with the Black Plague.

Indeed, every big name in showbiz wouldn’t touch the “Robocop” script with a 10-foot pole; even its eventual director, the controversial Paul Verhoeven. The Dutch filmmaker only had a change of heart on the script after his wife (who is probably smoking hot) opened his eyes to the possibilities of the character. With the script in the hands of Tim Burton’s European alter-ego, the film was shot, then released in the summer of 1987.

The story begins as Omni Consumer Products (OCP) has entered into a contract with the city of Detroit to fund and run local law enforcement. To that end, Senior Vice-President Dick Jones has helped to develop the ED-209, a badass robot with twin cannons who will wipe the crime-plagued streets clean. Only then can OCP build an entirely new mecca called Delta City, a move that will stimulate urban growth and commercial success.

Problem: during the ED-209’s test, he hilariously massacres a company employee, and the CEO gets cold feet on the robot’s efficiency. Then, an opportunistic executive named Bob Morton proposes the Robocop program as a backup plan, which the CEO approves. The plan involved meshing brand-new cybernetic technology with the brain of an actual police officer – which means that someone will have to die in order for the experiment to take place.

Good things come to those who wait, or this in case power-hungry yuppies, as Detroit cop and all-around good guy Alex Murphy gets blown to pieces on his first day of duty in Metro Detroit. With only his brain intact, the company outfits Murphy with a state-of-the-art suit of robotic armor, a machine-pistol that would inspire jealousy in most mercenaries and a set of simple directives – all of which combine to make him the most fearsome force on the streets of Detroit. Bad guys of the Motor City, say hello to Robocop.

The two-ton cyborg immediately begins his path to “urban pacification”, as OCP humorously refers to it, by stopping crime and generally f*cking up whoever is fool enough to get in his way. Whether they be rapists, robbers, or former city councilmen taking the mayor hostage, they all feel the wrath of law enforcement’s newest threat. But despite the best efforts of OCP’s lab stooges, Robocop hasn’t lost all of his humanity: he ends up remembering both his lost family, and the evil sons of bitches who murdered him. Which sets the stage for a huge thematic catharsis and one of the most satisfying revenges in all of film. You’ll never be so happy to see the bad guys get theirs, with one in particular being so gruesome and over-the-top it would be…er…criminal for me to tell you.

“Robocop” is many things, acting as a sci-fi action piece and sociopolitical satire all in one movie. For anyone who enjoys lampooning the Reagan years, this will be right up your alley. Similarly, for anyone who enjoys cyborgs stopping crime and blowing away criminals, you too will be at home with this film. And with many places selling the DVD and Blu-Ray for well under $20, it’s never been more affordable. “I’d buy that for a dollar!!”

Celebrating Black History Month: Part I

While some of you saps relish the month of February as an opportunity to commercially and tackily express your true love for that girl you randomly hooked up with at the bar three months ago who now refuses to call you less than three times a day, hangs out with all your friends, siphons gas from your car, and is your mother’s surprising hand-picked selection as your future spouse, I do not. Valentine’s Day is overrated and pales in comparison to Leap Year birthdays, which rock. For those leap year babies, think about this: if you only age on your exact birth-date, then you should be expecting almost 300 years of life in the US.

Stepping away from these two hallmarks of February, the more civic minded of you might be thinking to yourself, “Wait a tick, February is Black History Month”, to which I say…WYLD STALLYNS! So let’s take a break from fake news stories and sheer nonsense to observe Black History Month in a multi-part month long series. We begin this most Excellent Adventure with a look at one of the most awe-inspiring and dominant constructions in Black history, I speak, of course, of The Necrodeck.

The pinnacle of Black history on the Magic the Gathering scene is arguably the devastating reign of Necro as Numero Uno, the So-crates, the One, the Constantine of Black deck construction. Thanks to the expansion of global warming, err, Ice Age, black weenie decks gleefully added Necropotence to their arsenals and proceeded to rape, pillage, and sodomize.

Before I extol upon the virtues of Necro, a little magical nostalgia is in order. Black weenie had long been a successful, aggressive deck before Necro because it was cheap and it hit your opponent with all kinds of fast, physical weenies. Unfortunately, once your initial rush was defended and you ran out of cards, well, let’s just say things got ugly for your weenie deck.

Enter Necropotence, a phenomenal enchantment that allowed the black weenie deck to exchange life for massive amounts of cards. The black weenie deck now had its Spear of Destiny and Type II tourneys were never the same. With Necropotence functioning like Cialis for limp weenie decks, the Necro Deck flexed its manhood in all its Black (and sometimes Red) glory. Hordes of Black Knights, Order of the Ebon Hands, Hypnotic Specters, and even Sengir Vampires blasted your hapless opponent’s life total, while Hymn to Tourach emptied their hand and Ice Quakes and Strip Mines devastated their lands. This ferocious attack was sustained by the card drawing Necropotence and lost life was recouped by a Zuran Orb or Ivory Tower. Triomphe Napoleon!

Maybe you weren’t around for Necro’s reign of terror. Maybe you’re only familiar with the fancy new shiny M.T.G. cards. Count your blessings medieval dickweed! Ever heard of the Black Death? There’s a mistaken idea that this is a colloquial term for the Bubonic Plague that ravaged Europe in the 14^th Century, but really it was coined by Tom Cruise after his ‘Islands and Ornithopter Scientology Deck’ was dominated by Oprah’s Necro Deck during his brief foray into M.T.G.

Seriously though, from the Spring ‘96 – Fall ‘96, Necro Decks dominated the Magic community. Affectionately dubbed ‘the Summer of Sam’, or some such thing, this period saw Necro dominate so thoroughly that over 65% of the field at the Magic World Championships was playing Necro. A duel against the Necro deck was like being Neo against the multiplying Mr. Anderson, but just as you’re about to kick ass with the power of the One you’re suddenly morphing from Keanu Reeves-Neo to Keanu Reeves-Ted Logan…BOGUS!

Senator Palpatine’s Minority Report Sheds Light on the Dark Side of Video Game Steroid Use

In the past few years, the Alliance of sports fans have faced off with the Dark Side of the game. Steroid use has rocked the entertainment sector and now its ugly arm has spread with needle-like precision through the video game arena. Senator Palpatine has just issued the Minority Report, a detailed dossier on illicit steroid use in the video game world and the shock-waves are reverberating from the Koopa Kingdom to Dreamland. Famous names have been implicated, denials have been passed, and all will be revealed as your sports correspondent, Champ Kind, tackles the situation…whaamy.

The Smoking Aces in the Minority Report are the brothers, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Amid fervent denials from both, Senator Palpatine’s Minority Report sheds light on their involvement in the steroid underworld. Although never testing positive in Mushroom Cup drug tests, those tests have since been discredited by allegations they don’t adequately test for mushrooms, stars, and brown leaves. The report makes it clear that the brothers engaged in the use of performance enhancers in most of the events they competed in, including: Super Mario Bros. 1-3, Paper Mario, Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, and Mario 64. Several interviews and evidence indicate rampant abuse of various mushrooms, anthropomorphic stars, HGH, and decadurobolin.

Key testimony in the Minority Report against Mario came from Princess Toadstool. Over the years, Mario has repeatedly risked his life to save that of the Princess and her lost kingdom and with each successful rescue he has always been rewarded with nothing more than a kiss. Speculation has been rampant among the tabloids as to why this arrangement never blossomed into more. According to the Minority Report, Princess Toadstool recounted, “I first became aware of Mario’s use of HGH, Decadurabolin, and other performance enhancing drugs after his performance in Super Mario World. After saving me from Bowser, I took Mario up to my bedchamber, where I was hoping he would ride me like Yoshi. We didn’t get far. He couldn’t, ummm… smash the block, if you know what I mean. He finally told me about how the steroids wrecked him down there.” All this reporter can say is… Whammy!

Noted bodybuilder and hammer brother, Buddy Israel, was another witness in the Report who gave incriminating testimony against Luigi Mario. He was quoted as saying, “Well, Lanky Luigi, as we call him, you see, he was big into this stuff. I mean, like HGH big. It shouldn’t surprise anyone, the first Mario game that dude was like 5”5’, but now he’s sprouted up to 6”7’ and I ain’t talking ‘bout his green mushroom. He even talked with that Rambo dude, told him HGH was no big deal and got him hooked on it. You see, Lanky Luigi, he shoots up, but he also sells.”

Mario has since issued a denial through his attorney, Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee: “Mr. Mario Mario has never knowingly placed anything inside his body, except mushrooms, coins, leaves, more mushrooms, stars, and various plants that were approved by the Mushroom Kingdom Confederation of Sports. Furthermore, he questions the veracity of Ms. Toadstool’s testimony. The Princess’s repeated loss of her kingdom to Mr. Bowser has resulted in the complete bankruptcy of her family. Her ‘testimony’ is simply an attempt to extort my client and earn money off the fame.”

Furthermore, Sonic, the self proclaimed ‘World’s Fastest Supersonic Hedgehog’, has seen his numerous speed records and Gold Coins won come under fire from the taint of performance enhancers. Testimony in the report concerning Sonic’s alleged use comes from his former partner, Miles “Tails” Prower. Prower, who is currently under investigation for attempting to fix M.T.G. Grand Prix events, was quoted as saying, “Sonic was my hero, my everything. I wish I knew how to quit him, but I didn’t. So when he came to me with steroids and needles, I injected them into his butt. He developed an abscess, which was treated by Dr. Wily, who can corroborate my testimony.”

The aforementioned Doctor Albert W. Wily was sought by Senator Palpatine for his expertise on the bio-mechanics of steroid use. In the Minority Report, he cites Mario Mario as the vintage example that steroids work. Doctor Wily testified, “I’ve seen vertical leaps of 60 plus inches in robots, but Mario reports a vertical leap of 145 inches. Gains like that are simply not possible without performance enhancers. Even mushroom use would not explain those gains. While Billy Hoyle proved white men can jump, an Italian plumber with a 145 inch vertical is absurd.”

Another noted specialist in the field of genetics, Dr. Moreau was asked about the dangers posed by rampant steroid use. “My research has shown without a doubt that massive steroid use places one at risk of Unstable Mutation. While massive strength gains are reported, they immediately begin to degenerate and eventually kill the person. This problem has been around for thousands of Arabian Nights. It isn’t a new edition issue.”

Finally, perhaps the biggest little name to come out of The Minority Report is one time amateur boxer and Heavyweight Champ, Little Mac. Coming to fame as the dwarfish Bronx native who won the NES Heavy Weight title with his Punch-Out!! of Mike Tyson, Little Mac has repeatedly denied steroid allegations. One anonymous boxer noted, “Not since Rocky III has an improbably short, stumpy, Italian dude knocked out a bigger, stronger, meaner black dude with such a fantastical performance. ‘Roids is the only answer.”

The Minority Report has since cited several positive tests for Androgen and HGH. In a tearful news conference begging for forgiveness, Little Mac whined, “I can’t win Doc!”

Senator Palpatine issued the following statement after the Minority Report was released: “In order to ensure our security and continuing stability, the Republic will be reorganized into the first Galactic Empire, for a safe and secure society which I assure you will last for ten thousand years….oh wait, sorry, wrong speech.”

When told by this reporter back in December that unearthing proof of these steroid accusations was impossible, Senator Palpatine remarked, “Not for a Sith.” Well, this Dark Side of gaming has been unearthed and all I have to say is WHAMMY!