Caf-Fiend: Salute Your Donkeylips

“We run, we jump, we sing, and play… we row and go on trips! But one thing that lasts forever… our are dear friendships!

Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our HEARTS, and when we think about you, it makes me wanna [charge batteries with my nipples]?!” NAH! P-Push it real good! lol

“Its I hope we never part, now get it right or pay the price!”

Can you believe that this show only aired for 2 seasons at 13 episodes a pop (1991-1992)! Are we on the same page here, but didn’t it seem like everytime you flipped over to Nick it was this or Hey Dude! Well, considering I was just turning double digits when the show was canceled, anything past 7 mins could have seemed like a long time.

But on a serious note, why is Nick not creating a duel-season Blu-Ray special Sponge edition series. Come on’ Nick, bite off Tarantino and make each character a special edition, I want more UGG in my life. But Nickelodeon is like, nah, sorry pops, you can only have Clarissa Explains It All! Sorry Melissa Joan Hart, I was a huge Pete and Pete fan even though I secretly watched your show! lol.

I realize that this post is way past overdue, but I want you visualize the Lips everytime you take that precious sip of Mountain Dew Amp. Every sip you get closer, and closer, and CLOSER to his hairy Budnick-style, awful-waffle covered nipples and horrendous chin-strap! So, the next time you are stranded in Tarzana (yah, he is a local celeb… be jealous) I hope you have a cooler of energy drinks, so you don’t have to call AAA. But, you have to give him credit, he is f*cking hilarious, and I’m so glad to see him back in the spotlight! Maybe Mountain Dew could make this an ongoing joke?! Just start strapping Michael Bower to random household appliances and airplanes, etc… etc.. or make him experience all the products. For example, lets see what happens when you give him Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel! Does he log on his Warcraft toon and start pwning nooblets… maybe life-action sorcery?! He already leveled up his Rank 12 Lighting Bolt spell. What can we hook him up to next?!

“Think Anawanna wanna, speak Anawanna wanna, live Anawanna wanna… UGG!”

Caf-Fiend: NOS Energy Drink

Is your body craving more horsepower? Do you get to around 3 grand and blow your load? Spray this 16oz shot of NOS down your gullet and rev the f*ck up! NOS is absolutely targeted at all of our beloved mechanics, the average, wanna-be, “0o0oh, I fit in” automobile enthusiast at the track, your crazy, Japanese 4-banger street racer, and how could we forget, the greeeeeezy car salesman who would hawk his grandma for a commission.

NOS High Performance Energy Drink

16 oz Can

$1.99

Taste: 7.5

Intensity: 7

Duration: 3 hours

Crash: I couldn’t tell, I was 8,000+ ft high in altitude– thinking made me winded.

Overall Rating: 7

Jittery?I was super amp’d to go snowboarding at Bear Mountain. It could have been my nerves, or the 100 shot of iced cold NOS.

 

Things to mix it with: obviously a smoking-hot female mechanic (wallpapers created by ooshie)

Things I mixed with it: B & M Original Canned Bread. Kwech created a scientific theory that my body was going to spontaneously combust inside his Civic on our extensive road trip to Bear Mountain.

Where it can be purchased: Anywhere, I have even see it at Auto Zone, Pep Boys, Advanced Auto Parts, etc…

What did I do while I consumed this tasty beverage: Hit the NOS (second can) while taking the high speed quad on the way up to the top of Bear Mountain, tossed my headphones in, cranked up the power metal up to 11, and did a session on a few kinked and rainbow rails.

When one should drink this: Only while playing the upcoming Grand Theft Auto IV (April 24th, 2008), Midnight Club: Los Angeles, Forza, Burnout Paradise, you get my gist.

When one should not drink this: Please, never bring a this to any real racing event. Don’t embarrass yourself. Thanks, pops.

 

 

Caf-Fiend: Donkey Kong Jungle Juice

Donkey Kong Jungle Juice

8.4 oz Can

$2.99

Taste: 7

Intensity: 5

Duration: 2 hours

Crash: nah

Overall Rating: 5

Jittery? Sorry pops, it was just too small. Make it 16 oz and we got ourselves a better buy.

Things to mix it with: Jagermeister (Defiantly a perfect size for a Jager-Bomb).

Where it can be purchased: Hot Topic

What did I do while I consumed this tasty beverage: Played Call of Duty 4 and EA Skate. We admit, we’re Xbox Live achievement whores over here at BR.

When one should drink this: You have to drink this if you’ve ever considered yourself a gamer. All hail DK! Besides, it’s a really cool can. Buy it, just so you can keep it on your shelf, next to your DK Country cartridges that’re currently collecting dust (Shame on you! Throw them bitches back in, and show the SNES some love!).

Caf-Fiend: Monster Assault

So I found myself in another caffeine store, I mean, convenience store today promptly at 1:00 p.m. for my lunch break. It seems without even realizing it; my brain blacked out and gravitated out the door like a zombie to the closest refrigerator fiending for my beloved artificial sugars. Yet again, it appears that the free office coffee that I brewed 45 minutes ago simply wore off, so I had to get my fix elsewhere. As I was window-shopping at the 7-11, I came across a Monster drink that intrigued me with its new camo-colored can called Assault. However, and I quote, “ZOMG”, right next to it was something so ridiculous I couldn’t even get, because it was a heart attack I was not planning on having today (I will be obviously getting it over the weekend).

 

Ok Monster, we get the idea. Are you trying to compensate for something? Did your energy drink take roids or something? It was like getting an epic drop in RL called the “B.F.C.” or what the marketing team couldn’t say… Big F*cking Can. Monster, lets just say that you have really outdone yourself this time! Why did you have to make a 32 oz can, you clearly know that we are going to chug it like a regular 16 oz energy drink (the standard is no longer 8 ounces, imho). Why do you have to twist my arm and make me do it?! But, unfortunately I didn’t go with the B.F.C. today. With only 3 dollars in my wallet, I had to go with the Assault. After choosing my liquid weapon for the afternoon, I only hoped it would get me so amp’d that I would somehow convince myself that I was going back to work as a camouflaged Rogue and not a slave. After my first two gulps, I had high hopes of stealthing around cubicles while duel wielding imaginary daggers for max dps.

 

 

Monster Energy Drink: Assault

16 oz Can

$2.49

 

Taste: 6

Intensity: 8

Duration: 2 hours

Crash: minimal

Overall Rating: 5.5

Jittery? Nah

 

 

Things to mix it with: Southern Comfort.

Where it can be purchased: Essentially anywhere.

What did I do while I consumed this tasty beverage: Got out of my zombie like coma and ceased to drool all over my keyboard at work for the remainder of the day.

When one should drink this: All of my rogues out there would probably like the Assault energy drink when they are stealthing around in an MMO backstabbing everyone during massive PVP battles. But, if you’re not a stealthy rogue or a FPS player, I would suggest getting this when you just don’t care what kind of energy drink you want and only have visions of getting amp’d really quick (considering it doesn’t last long). This would be a quick pick me up before going out with your friends to a bar or night club. I like Monster energy drinks, but I don’t believe that the Assault brand is for me.

Caf-Fiend: Mountain Dew Amp Energy

As I sit here tired, miserable, and more than three-quarters through my Venti Red-Eye at work, I feel somewhat dissatisfied with my $2.50 caffeine high. Yup, I just finished this massive cup of joe and I am already starting to yawn…what a waste! When it comes to caffeine, I shouldn’t have taken the easy way out by going to the nearest coffee shop. My body demanded that extra kick of energy and I let it down. I repeatedly said to myself, if only that glorious 7-11 was a bit closer to my job, I could have been standing in front of a plethora of goodness. But seriously, who doesn’t love that feeling when they run up to the sliding glass window at a convenience store with all of those epic potions standing so neatly in a row? It seems that every time I take a ride over to a store there is something NEW or IMPROVED. You could go for the basics like Red Bull or get a little zazzy with a more exotic drink. The latter is usually my course of action.

 

I guess this means I have a problem? No, it can’t be! If this were a 12-step program, then here is step 1… My name is Ronnie and I am a CAF-FIEND. I am admitting that I am powerless over caffeine and my life has become unmanageable without it. But, this isn’t a 12-step program, and I’m not suggesting that I have a problem (only that I have an insanely high tolerance for nature’s ‘upper’). This is going to be a reccurring topic that consists of my absolutely random choice in energy drinks, their ratings, and possibly some feedback from you via poll. I hope I can dig up some sketchy, homemade internet-concotions for you to check out, or randomly find a treasure at a shady convenience store in Los Angeles (my smog-covered city of residence).

Mountain Dew Amp Energy

16 oz Can – Tall Boy

$2.49

 

Taste: 10

Intensity: 7

Duration: 3 hours

Crash: minimal

Overall Rating: 7

Jittery?: No, I was not uncomfortably energetic! (Thank God, but a nice set of energy legs would be pretty sweet.)

Mix it with: Vodka

Where it can be purchased: Any local convenience store or gas station – basically anywhere.

What did I do while I consumed this tasty beverage: Washed my car, went to the gym, then leveled my character a few times in a beta for a certain upcoming MMO. DING!

When one should drink this: This energy drink tastes good and works well. I would suggest taking this before one takes part in physical exercise or when one is dragging ass at work. For all of you people who have to stare at a computer all day or are looking to pull an all nighters at school, I would suggest it. I usually grab a Mountain Dew Amp Energy before I go snowboarding or have to drive for a few hours because I can depend on the taste and obviously the satisfaction of the product.