Help get us one step closer to publication!
Here’s how:
*Wait for ZOMBIE OF THE MONTH to hit store shelves near you!
Thanks in advance,
-Don and Erick
Between catching up on professional duties among other things, I had to take a brief hiatus from posting here on BR – but when I saw this baby put up on IGN, I knew immediately that my hiatus HAD to come to an end.
Is it a real film? Sort of. Apparently, it’s some kind of a fan-made production (and not a bad one at that), but it’s not the officially-licensed and budgeted blockbuster that IGN made it out to sound like for their annual April Fools’ prank. I did happen to look at my calendar and see that it was April 1 before watching the trailer, but admittedly the old-school fanboy in me had a small ray of hope that maybe…just maybe, it could be true.
Though it isn’t what I was hoping for, should this fan-made production ever see the light of day I will check it out anyway. Because let’s face it: could it really be any worse than the film adaptations of Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter, etc.? I know there’s a certain irony to see classically-trained British actor Bob Hoskins faking a bad Italian accent and a primitive delight to Jean-Claude Van Damme’s gung-ho speech, but the Zelda series is a whole different bag of rupees. And should it ever really be made into a film, all I ask is that Ganon doesn’t turn out to be played by somebody like George Clooney. His turn as Batman was so well-received that they didn’t make another one until 8 years had passed.
But in conclusion, this was a cool prank by IGN, and I would be interested in seeing a finished product (if it ever comes to fruition).
It took the Rebellion decades to unseat the Imperial powers in the galaxy, but now it could take even longer to clean up the mess plaguing the Jedi. Having reformed and restrengthened the Jedi, the reformed Jedi High Council has come under intense scrutiny for it’s ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy concerning interstellar sexual relations. Rampant abuses to the policy have spiraled out of control and what had once been dismissed as simply a Phantom Menace is now a full blown scandal.
Essentially, the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy was instituted to replenish the decimated ranks of Jedi after Order 69, er 66. What happened next was cover-up after cover-up with the Jedi High Council continuously brushing over the sexual transgressions of numerous Jedi. After complaints from across the galaxy and millions of victims that can’t be silenced (shouldn’t have blown up that Death Star), Yaddle, spokeswoman for the High Council, released the following statement: “Failed the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy has. Saddened the High Council is. Pay the victims we shall.”
As senior member of the council, Yaddle has instructed Mace Windu with carrying out this purge off within the Jedi ranks. Mace, who got his start programming computers before a dinosaur ate him, quickly rose up the Jedi ranks with his mastery of the light-saber, his amazing brewing skills, and his propensity to scream kick-ass phrases at the top of his lungs has been hunting down the renegade Jedi.
His most high profile Jedi captive and the defacto face of the Jedi sex scandal is former Commander and savior of the universe, Luke Skywalker. As clearly stated in the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy, incest is a clear violation of proper Jedi sexual conduct and Commander Skywalker’s continuous, ambiguous conduct with Princess Leia raised too many questions for Mace to digest. When asked how difficult it was to bring in the heroic Luke Skywalker for his Court Martial trial, Mace responded, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.”
(The following is a transcript of the cross examination)
Mace: Commander Skywalker, were you aware that the Princess was not only your sister by birth, but your twin sister?
Luke: What?
Mace: What country are you from?
Luke: What?
Mace: What ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Luke: What?
Mace: Say what again. Say what again, motherf@#$er, say what one more Goddamn time!
After stone-walling throughout the questioning, Skywalker was dismissed and Windu called Chewbacca to testify. The Wookie detailed rampant sexual encounters in the Millenium Falcon between the Commander and Princess, including Bantha Fodder positions, Droid Sex Games, Dark Side 69’s, and Hoth Cleveland Steamers. A particular vivid depiction of the Hoth Cleveland Steamer was related on the way to the Death Star while Obi Wan taped it with R2-D2’s droid camera. But the most damning testimony came when Chewbacca said, “GRRaaaarrrrooouuugggghhhhhhaaaaaa“.
After the Court Martial of Skywalker, Windu and the High Council turned towards other Jedis guilty of sexual transgressions. Alarmingly demonstrating how deeply seated the sexual misconduct was, Windu uncovered misconduct amongst one of the High Council, senior councilman Yoda. The diminutive Jedi master was investigated and a sordid past revealed. Famously seen in Episode Three uttering the words, “Go, I will. Good relations with the Wookies, I have,” Yoda was seemingly given a free pass, in spite of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy’s strictly forbidding Wookie orgies. Arrested by Windu, Yadoo released a simple statement, ”Not if anything to say about it I have”.
As Mace Windu’s unpopular investigation continues, he has been able to recruit a powerful ally in his quest for a tasty burger and a sexually legal Jedi environment in General Jan Dodonna. Dodonna, famous for finding the Death Star’s weakness and establishing the first French McDonald’s on Alderaan, expressed optimism in purging the Jedi ranks of sexual deviants. He maintains that “this is the Rebel Alliance and it’s not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez, and these Cincinnati bow-ties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls. That’s all I got to say ‘bout that.”
Mace Windu has been so thorough that not even the dead Jedis have escaped his inquiries. Summoning the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi and questioning him about his relationship with Skywalker, Windu eventually had him arrested. He was able to determine that Kenobi taped several of the incestuous romps of Luke and Leia with a camera attached to R2-D2, which upset the juvenile droid. After repeatedly witnessing these violations, R2-D2 got his revenge by taping an incident involving Kenobi’s early training of young Master Skywalker and showing it to Mace Windu.
(the following is a transcript of portions of that tape)
Obi-Wan: You don’t like girls, Luke.
Luke: I don’t like girls.
Obi-Wan: They’re not the ones you’re looking for.
Luke: They’re not the ones I’m looking for.
Obi-Wan: I can go about my business with your light-saber.
Luke: You can go about your business with my light-saber.
Obi-Wan: Pull your pants down.
Luke: Pull my pants down… pull my pants down.
Obi-Wan’s use of the force to force Skywalker into under-aged sex was a clear violation of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy and after a quick Court Martial trial, Kenobi was sentenced to the death penalty.
The investigation continues, more well known Jedis come under arrest, and the organization continues to be cleansed by the efforts of Mace Windu. Unfortunately, Mace has become a very unpopular figure during this investigation and after enduring abuse from many of the Jedi, he screamed, ”That’s it, I’ve had it with these motherf@#$ing Jedi, on this motherf@#$ing plane with their Wookie sex and droid love.” When asked to further weigh in on the punishment for these dishonored Jedi, Windu said, “Well allow me to retort; yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!”
On March 4th a legend passed on to the Hall of Heroes, a man who redefined the swords and sorcery fantasy experience for us all. He is amongst the most influential of fantasy contributors of our time and he has unfortunately tapped his last land; I speak, of course, of Gary Gygax. If you don’t know who that is then I respectfully ask you to go commit ritual Seppuku rather than reading this blog, or at least go and look him up on Wikipedia before continuing. Gygax was the creator of Dungeons and Dragons, known affectionately as D&D, and one of the father’s of modern fantasy gaming. His influence on fantasy was about as subtle as a first turn Channel/ Fireball to the head; D&D opened up a whole new level of innovative gaming for those seeking refreshingly fun, fetishistic, fantastical, fantasy fanaticism… try saying that three times fast… ok, now you have some small idea of how difficult it was for Gygax to revolutionize the fantasy gaming genre.
D&D complemented the voracious imaginations of those adherents to gaming nerdom by supplementing their passions with oodles of dice, finely crafted miniatures, a gaming board, more books than the Bible, and the nefarious Dungeon Master, or affectionately known D.M. (curse him). But it wasn’t as simple as that; to fully appreciate Gygax’s gaming revolution one would need look no further than the Bolshevik Revolution in Russia. D&D had pretty much the same kind of impact in toppling the fantasy gaming system as the Bolsheviks minus the animated movie and the piles of real corpses. With D&D at your disposal, no longer were heroic quests, terrifying monsters, and scantily clad elves the sole property of novelists and video game designers. Now you, yes YOU, could become Tagliff Wolfsucker, Human Warrior of Doom or Jasqueva the Fair, scantily clad Elvish wizard from the Harrow Woods. Hell, you could be Gary Coleman from the 711 down the street if you wanted to; this was the beauty of D&D as the game was only as limited by your imagination. Add some multicolored die to figure out your stats, grab a book, and then get ready to kick some fantasy monster butt.
People went crazy for D&D (hopefully, not as crazy as this guy) and rightly so. If all you know is World of Warcraft and other MMORPGs, then you truly have missed out on D&D. Imagine a game where you enter endless worlds, level up, work together in a team, fight monsters, and win powerful artifacts, all without having to devote 75.8% of your existence to it. That is D&D AND you interact with real, flesh and blood people!
Just how much did D&D rock? Well, I’ll tell you. My godfather introduced me to this wonderful game just months after M.T.G. had replaced crack as my drug of choice and I have so many great memories of my time spent frantically rolling dice and giving the D.M. the evil eye. The names and dates will go unsaid (lest she be reading this), but after concluding one intense gaming situation, I was able to slip away from the group with one of the female players to continue our roleplaying in another room. Suffice to say, our miniature characters had developed quite a contentious relationship during this impossible quest and we decided to sort things out between ourselves. I’d imagine that if you tried this with your World of Warcraft game you’d be labeled a pervert, deviant, and loser, something like this kid. This encounter cemented me as one of the top roleplayers in the group and earned my level 31 Elvish warrior, Nilrodell the nickname ‘King Dong’.
I’ve personally had so many great memories with D&D that I sincerely owe Gary Gygax a ‘thank you’ for the amazing game that he created. Incidentally, the in-game relationship between Nilrodell and Shiva van Staal, my female D&Der’s character, lasted far longer than the one we carried on. On a much cooler note, has there ever been a better last name in fantasy gaming than Gygax? You can pair this with any number of things to create super-cool fantasy items and names: the Gygaxian Death Sword, Gygax Lord of Shadows, Lost City of Gygax, Crystal Skull of Gygax the Maimer, etc. Perhaps even, dare I say, Benevolent Gygaxian Robot? Maybe not. Sigh. Rest in piece in nerd heaven, Gary Gygax, you are a true icon in the fantasy world. Time for World of Warcraft, I think Stella07a456 will be on tonight… maybe I’ll get lucky with Nilrodell II.
Ah, Valentine’s Day… the holiday devoted to sweet tooths, heart aches, the color red, and tacky chocolates (don’t forget the Russell Stover bow!). Since I detest Russell Stover, whoever he was, let’s focus upon the other aspects of V-day, namely vampires. Isn’t it obvious? Sweet tooths, heart aches, and the color red scream blood lust and eternal life. These are the real roots of Valentine’s Day, the adoration of the vampire. All this ‘I will love you forever’ stuff, well *news flash*, only immortal bloodsuckers can love forever.
In honor of this bloody helliday, I thought I’d treat all you single guys who read this blog… ok, everyone who reads this blog, to a bloodthirsty competition to decide the deadliest movie vampire in history. There were so many vampire movies to choose from and unfortunately I had to pare it down to the true blooded ones, with apologies to Ankle Biters and Sorority House Vampires. I decided to only look at Underworld, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Interview with a Vampire, and Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust. Furthermore, with so much at stake I need to come up with some sharp rules to govern the competition by and those rules are: only powers exhibited in these movies are granted to the vampire combatants and initial match-ups were determined by movie release dates, oldest movie vs. newest and then the two left over. According to the movies chosen, our immortal combatants are Selene vs. Count Dracula, and Lestat vs. D.
I know you’re dying to hear how it all got sorted out, so without further adieu let’s sink our teeth into this riveting account of vampire mortal combat. It’s guarantee not to suck with so much at stake. Let’s read as our four fanged immortals will duke it out tooth, nail and wing for supremacy.
First Round: Selene vs. Dracula
Dracula shambles into the arena humming the Batman theme song. His lordship appears as the old wrinkled man with the heart-shaped haircut, his personal stamp of approval for Valentine’s Day. Selene strides out all sexed out in her tight fitting black leather, hears the song, sees Dracula’s robes, and mutters “And I thought Craven was gay.”
“Velcome my dear, I have question for you,” Dracula begins. “Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks upon this earth is the one who finds… True love?”
“No,” Selene snaps. She whips out her twin Berettas, each packing ultraviolet heat, and executes a perfect, slow motion flip through the air. The camera hugs in tight on her accentuated black leather curves and cleavage, since this is an integral moment in the plot of all action movies. Finishing her flip, she drop kicks Dracula in his two full moons and pumps the oldman vampire with sixty bullets. The big man crumples and Selene crosses his name off her ‘To Kill List’ between Viktor and Stephen Sommers.
Thinking she’s won, Selene is speechless as Dracula rears up from the dust and morphs into the eight foot tall bat demon that melted Hannibal Lecter’s cross. Selene’s guns fall out of her hands and she wets her pants, pleasantly surprised to find out that black leather hides urine stains well. Demonic bat Drac roars and gnashes his teeth to let everyone know how pissed off he is.
“Look, I suck at soccer and I know this. I can’t bend it like Beckham so there’s no way I’ll ever get with Keira Knightley. So I decided to go for the Diet-Coke version of Keira, Winona Ryder. Instead of partially fulfilling my fantasy, I was shot, stabbed, staked, kicked, punched, offended by her terrible acting, and worst of all, I ended up losing Winona to Keanu Reeves! Now, you shoot me and kick me in the balls to boot!! AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!!! In seconds, Selene is salami and demon Dracula readies for his next victim.
Second Round: Lestat vs. D
Lestat de Cruise enters the arena draped in rich silks and gold jewelry that augment his immortal perfection. In addition, he dons a pair of aviators that scream ‘I’m a late 80’s member of the homoerotic mile high club’. D wears black shoes, black pants, a black shirt, a black cape, and a black hat over his black hair. Lestat de Cruise smiles and taunts D, saying, “That’s right! Ice…man, I am dangerous. ”
D responds by whipping out his long sword and castrating Lestat de Cruise. The sappy Jerry Maguire/Cruise whines, cringes, and looks for Nicole Kidman to tuck him into bed, while the Lestat de Lioncourt in him drags him into combat. With his ability to read thoughts, Lestat de Cruise knows D’s every move before he makes it, soon overcoming the vampire hunter. His opponent down, Lestat de Cruise takes the opportunity to admire his nonexistent reflection in the mirror. He muses, “Too bad Katie Holmes’ reflection isn’t invisible. That way none of us would have to see that half of her face that droops down. Oh well D, time to drink from me and live for nevermore biatch!”
Taking advantage of Lestat Cruise’s vane pause, D reaches his parasitic left hand up to the vampire’s face and sucks it right off. After vanquishing the scientology vampire, D’s hand starts puking like Roger Ebert after watching Freddy Got Fingered. A concerned D asks what’s wrong and the hand replies, “I swallowed his fake German accent from Valkyrie…ugh.”
Final Round: A bloody first two rounds finally culminates in Dracula, the father, squaring off against D, the son, to decide which of these fantastic four is the best. Dracula has taken the youthful form of young man Oldman, while D continues his Goth-kid kick in all black. No words are exchanged and D goes to draw his sword… but nothing happens. The vampire hunter doesn’t move, change expression, or do anything but stand there in suspended animation. Dracula smiles and says, “I killed all your animators before I got here. Sucks to be a cartoon doesn’t it?” Dracula wads D up and uses him as toilet paper after draining Selene dry. Having vanquished the others, the Count stakes his claim as no. 1 in the 1st Annual Valentine’s Day Massacre.
Profile in Courage: The Swinging Times of Sirius Black
An important part of any celebration is the veneration of individual deeds under great individual duress by, well, individuals. Black History Month is certainly no stranger to this concept and I would like to contribute to that by profiling one of the long misunderstood stories in the magical word, the shady imprisonment of one Sirius Black. The Ministry of Magic would like you to think Black was implicated in murder to the grossest degree, but some investigative reporting has uncovered the true story behind Black’s imprisonment.
A noted supporter of Wizard’s Anonymous, the Order of the Phoenix and the American Gladiators football team, Black is also famous for his skills as an animagus and for being the godfather of Harry James Potter. Our story begins on a hot day in June 768, which in Muggle years was 1969.
During this summer of ’69, Sirius and his friend, Bryan Adams were touring the wizarding world and playing to sold out venues with the rock band, 3 Inches of Blood. After a particular rough patch of partying and orc slaying, the two decided to stop off at Hogwart’s School for Witchcraft and Cheese-whizery to visit Black’s godson, Harry Potter. When they arrived, Black and Adams hung out with Potter and his friend, Ron Weasel, and all was well, that is until Hermione ‘Danger’ Granger showed up.
In spite of forty years of magical conquests and nights of pillaging throughout the tour with 3 Inches of Blood, Sirius was thunderstruck by the startling appearance of Ms. ‘Danger’ Granger. This under-aged girl was amongst the most attractive witches he’d ever wanted to cast a spell on and he instantly declared, “Damn, you have lit my goblet of fire and I’d easily be a prisoner of Azkaban for just one night with you. Allow me to take you into my chamber of secrets and show you some advanced wandwork. In fact, were it not for a casting mistake, I would also take you to infinity and beyond, but alas, f@*king Tim Allen. But, forget about that, I would like to quote the wizard Nelly and tell you that ‘it’s getting hot in here, so take off all your magical robes, house badges, long British school girl socks, and britches.’
Suffice to say, Harry and Ron were angry and on the verge of a British drive-by since they didn’t want to be wand blocked by a forty year old man. However, ‘Danger’ Granger was intrigued and godfather Sirius made them all an offer they couldn’t refuse. Always looking for more, Adams wondered, “Can’t we make it all for one and all for love?”
Sirius, always wary of crossing wands and misfires in a duel, said no. While Sirius and Hermione crept up to an upper dormitory room and went all out with missionary, doggy-style and Gryffindor positions, Bryan Adams broke out a few kegs, ping pong balls, and some Deadly Sinners for Quidditch pong. As a mainstream rocker, Adams easily drank Potter and Weasel under the table before proceeding to snort several crushed piles of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Bean. Wasted beyond belief, Adams ran into the passed out body of Ron Weasel, grabbed a video camera and proceeded to inflict a dark mark upon the sleeping wizard. Every lurid detail of the midnight rape and the nude gay art show that took place in the bedroom was captured on video – a video whose infamy far outstrips that of R. Kelly’s dog and the pikachu.
Once the morning came around and everyone realized what had happened all hell broke loose – think dangerous high voltage chaos. Hermione ‘Danger’ Granger freaked and wondered what would happen if Hogwarts found out she was pregnant, Harry was upset that his Godfather laid his magical wand on a girl he had wanted, and Ron was horrified to learn that his sorting hat had been sorted by Bryan Adams in video-taped glory.
In the convoluted scene that unfolded, the door of the Gryfindor common room burst open to reveal the angry face of Headmaster Albus Dumblebore. He expelled Bryan Adams from the wizarding world, where he journeyed back to Earth and produced award winning music that got him into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame. Ron was sent to a psychiatrist to repair the damage done by his rape, Potter was given double-secret probation for his Quidditch pong playing, and ‘Danger’ Granger was sent up the headmaster’s office.
Dumblebore had Sirius taken away to Azkaban prison for sexual misconduct with a minor. Defiant to the end, Black winked at Dumblebore and muttered, “She already lit my goblet of fire.”
Not one to be outdone, Dumblebore shot back, “Enjoy prison. Ms. ‘Danger’ Granger will be juggling my sorcerer’s stones in her mouth while some wizard’s Firebolt 9000 is playing Quidditch with your back side.”
While some of you saps relish the month of February as an opportunity to commercially and tackily express your true love for that girl you randomly hooked up with at the bar three months ago who now refuses to call you less than three times a day, hangs out with all your friends, siphons gas from your car, and is your mother’s surprising hand-picked selection as your future spouse, I do not. Valentine’s Day is overrated and pales in comparison to Leap Year birthdays, which rock. For those leap year babies, think about this: if you only age on your exact birth-date, then you should be expecting almost 300 years of life in the US.
Stepping away from these two hallmarks of February, the more civic minded of you might be thinking to yourself, “Wait a tick, February is Black History Month”, to which I say…WYLD STALLYNS! So let’s take a break from fake news stories and sheer nonsense to observe Black History Month in a multi-part month long series. We begin this most Excellent Adventure with a look at one of the most awe-inspiring and dominant constructions in Black history, I speak, of course, of The Necrodeck.
The pinnacle of Black history on the Magic the Gathering scene is arguably the devastating reign of Necro as Numero Uno, the So-crates, the One, the Constantine of Black deck construction. Thanks to the expansion of global warming, err, Ice Age, black weenie decks gleefully added Necropotence to their arsenals and proceeded to rape, pillage, and sodomize.
Before I extol upon the virtues of Necro, a little magical nostalgia is in order. Black weenie had long been a successful, aggressive deck before Necro because it was cheap and it hit your opponent with all kinds of fast, physical weenies. Unfortunately, once your initial rush was defended and you ran out of cards, well, let’s just say things got ugly for your weenie deck.
Enter Necropotence, a phenomenal enchantment that allowed the black weenie deck to exchange life for massive amounts of cards. The black weenie deck now had its Spear of Destiny and Type II tourneys were never the same. With Necropotence functioning like Cialis for limp weenie decks, the Necro Deck flexed its manhood in all its Black (and sometimes Red) glory. Hordes of Black Knights, Order of the Ebon Hands, Hypnotic Specters, and even Sengir Vampires blasted your hapless opponent’s life total, while Hymn to Tourach emptied their hand and Ice Quakes and Strip Mines devastated their lands. This ferocious attack was sustained by the card drawing Necropotence and lost life was recouped by a Zuran Orb or Ivory Tower. Triomphe Napoleon!
Maybe you weren’t around for Necro’s reign of terror. Maybe you’re only familiar with the fancy new shiny M.T.G. cards. Count your blessings medieval dickweed! Ever heard of the Black Death? There’s a mistaken idea that this is a colloquial term for the Bubonic Plague that ravaged Europe in the 14th Century, but really it was coined by Tom Cruise after his ‘Islands and Ornithopter Scientology Deck’ was dominated by Oprah’s Necro Deck during his brief foray into M.T.G.
Seriously though, from the Spring ‘96 – Fall ‘96, Necro Decks dominated the Magic community. Affectionately dubbed ‘the Summer of Sam’, or some such thing, this period saw Necro dominate so thoroughly that over 65% of the field at the Magic World Championships was playing Necro. A duel against the Necro deck was like being Neo against the multiplying Mr. Anderson, but just as you’re about to kick ass with the power of the One you’re suddenly morphing from Keanu Reeves-Neo to Keanu Reeves-Ted Logan…BOGUS!
We want YOU to join the Benevolent Robot Army, where you can stand side by side with fellow foreign and domestic robots, cyborgs, androids, fembots (Oh behave!), avatars, digi-exoskeletons, nanotech-enhanced cyberdrones and household appliances(Mr. Coffee)! I want to thank all of our readers who’ve joined our brand spanky new Facebook group: Benevolent Robot Army. If you’re one of our readers who haven’t joined already, get on that sh*t. Stat. No seriously… right now.
If you’re bored at work/school, or if you literally have nothing better to do with your life than read our refuse, join our beloved Army, and let us be your digital morphine drip.
Although our multi-national following pales in comparison to the war-weary legends of schlock-rock from the YouTube clip (Manowar!), here is a list of countries that have already been wise enough to check us out:
If you haven’t added our RSS Feed (see: that big-ass green button in the top right), get on that sh*t, too.
“Brothers [and Robots] Everywhere
Raise Your Hands Into The Air
We’re Warriors
Warriors Of The World
Like Thunder From The Sky
Sworn To Fight And Die
We’re Warriors
Warriors Of The World”
LISTEN TO THAT VIDEO CROWD!
From all (four) of us here at Benevolent Robot, we’d like to wish all of you blog lurkers, forum fiends, tech whizzes, game addicts, TiVo junkies, and cinephiles a very Merry Christmas. Having said that, we respect and honor people of all faiths, who observe any and all holidays (yes, even Boxing Day), because hey – we’re all citizens of the same planet, ain’t we? Let’s try to play nice as best we can. Deal? I’ll give you kudos if you’re good!
Sadly, as robots, we lack the capacity for our small hearts to grow three sizes in a day… as our makers never granted us hearts. We can, however, find the strength of ten grinches, plus two.
If it’s Christmas Day, and you’re actually reading this, TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER! Return to your family and friends! (Note: this is probably the only time we will ever ask you to do this.) We’ll be here on December 26th, don’t worry.
In the coming weeks, we’re looking forward to announcing some significant BR news and developments, and are extremely excited about growing/cultivating this community with you in the new year. We know you’ll be right there with us.
So, without further ado, grease up the ol’ chimneys with your lubricant of choice, so the fat man can bring you all DS’s, iPhones, DVR’s, and Blu-Rays in a jiffy!
-Kwech
