Drinkin’ the Elven Kool-aid

There I was, balls deep…. in Tolkien mythology. My brain had degenerated into Quaker oatmeal per the 682 minute marathon of special edition L.O.T.R. DVDs I just watched; all the while spreading out multiple copies of Lord of the Rings encyclopedias, atlases, shorts stories, porn mags, and elven dialect guides. I had truly made the treacherous trek to Mount Doom, submitting my health and sanity to a rigorous marathon of video overload, several trans-fat feasts, and multiple cheap beers (“They come in pints? I’m getting one!”). It was at that point, teetering on the brink of cracks of doom without an ambiguously gay hobbit gardiner to assist me that a revelation came to me.

Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the secret of the ooze, or just maybe it was Tolkien’s ghost stretching across the decades to reward one of his faithful apostles, but whatever the source there was no doubt what had happened, I was standing in the sacred glen before the fluttering form of Galadriel, who smiled at me and asked me if I was thirsty.

I wasn’t used to a chick buying me a drink and certainly not an all-powerful elven lady at that, so I hesitated. Like any warm blooded heterosexual male, I had my 3.8 seconds of recurring naughtiness, to which Galadriel said, “I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind.”

Thinking I’d hit the fantasy boy’s fantasy, I ran over to her well and gulped down a swig of that water from her silver pitcher. Smiling like Ralphie with my trusty Red Rider, I was full on ready to show this chick a real ring bearer, but that’s when things got hairy. For those of age, I am by no means a light weight when it comes to holding my drink, but my precious was that elvish brew true. Galadriel laughed, my eyes came unfocused, and I started to really see things. Her voice echoed telepathically in my mind,”You will see many things: things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.”

I began to see the apex of my existence… overweight, hordes of MTG cards, three computers running games simultaneously, a thick library, and a leaf-covered Galadriel…. my mind flitted to something else, Elijah Wood, wearing tights, playing racquetball, with a donkey…. Richard Garfield running for president…. Kevin Costner starring in Waterworld VII: Return to the Sea…

Galadriel snapped, screaming aloud, “Some things you see shall never come to pass!”

“Thank god,” I muttered, feeling withdrawal symptoms on my shaking, pale skin as images of Costner in water logged leather remained in my mind. “But what about those leaves?”

Those were the last words I remembered as my mind became unhinged and I felt nauseous. I tried to find a Wawa bathroom to clean up in, but to no avail. The potent Elvish Kool-aid continued to leave me drunk on randomness, which I will vomit forth into this blog once my over used brain can sort through the mass of visions I have seen. For now, enjoy your casual existence away from those elves and stay away from Camelot for it is a silly place, but know soon that my words will ring once more with visions beyond your wildest Tolkien dreams…….

To be continued….

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The Legend Of Zelda Cartoon Was Corny? Excuuuuuuse me!

The 1980’s gave rise to some really amazing video games, one of which of course was “The Legend Of Zelda” for the Nintendo Entertainment System. One by-product of that successful license was the “Super Mario Bros. Super-Show”, a TV program incorporating animated cartoons and live-action segments of both Mario and Luigi. Occasionally alternating with those shows were animated cartoons for “The Legend of Zelda”, all 13 of which aired during the fall of 1989.  By the way, all 13 episodes are available on DVD, so you can relive these campy Hyrule adventures again and again. Those of you expecting this show to revolve around Link, the ever-silent hero of the games, to take on monsters all over Hyrule in order to free a captive Princess Zelda would be mistaken.

The show of course takes place in Hyrule, but with Princess Zelda living at the castle and Link staying there as her resident protector and guardian of the Triforce of Wisdom (I guess the Triforce of Courage is in another castle, haha). The games are of a mostly serious nature, not exactly known for their comedic stylings, but no one would know that by only watching the show. The cartoon almost takes a “1960’s Batman”-esque campy approach to the material, incorporating a lot of dated humor and banter. While it’s amusing maybe the first time, hearing it repeatedly over the course of a 15-minute episode makes it old real quick.

The 13 episodes don’t necessarily have a serialized plot per se, as they all revolve around Ganon’s attempts to steal the Triforce of Wisdom, being already in possession of the Triforce of Power. Old pigface utilizes tektites, octoroks, moblins and some of the other baddies of the video games to try and take down the good guys, but like Shredder in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, always seems to let his guard down at just the wrong time. I do have to admit, watching him in the first episode demonstrating to stalfos knights how to punch was pretty damn funny. Something tells me it’s not what Shigeru Miyamoto had in mind when envisioning the epitome of an evil wizard, but it’s entertaining nonetheless.

Besides Princess Zelda, aiding Link in his quest is the fairy Sprite, who is your basic knave with a high-pitched, chipmunk-type voice. She doesn’t add much to the proceedings and proves to be rather annoying actually, much like the fairy Navi in “Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time”. Despite that though, the trio of Link, Zelda and Sprite manage to topple the evil wizard Ganon and his cronies in all 13 episodes, and only let the Triforce of Wisdom out of their grasp briefly in a few episodes. Score one for the good guys.

What made this show remembered to the gaming public and forgettable to just about everyone else was the dynamic between Link and Princess Zelda. While the games show Link as a noble hero, his animated counterpart’s motives were anything but pure. As subtlely alluded to several times in the cartoon, Link’s real motive for hanging around the castle is “getting to know” Princess Zelda…in the biblical sense, that is. Just when it seems like Link is about cut himself a piece of the Zelda pie, something random happens to interrupt, and Zelda makes some snooty, rude comment to the effect of Link being a pervert. Well duh…do you believe the guy is only thinking about fighting bad guys and protecting a magical shiny triangle? Lastly, this show gave Link a catchphrase, arguably the most annoying catchphrase in the history of all catchphrases.  I’ll let this Youtube video tell the story of Link’s signature retort, used a staggering 29 times in only 13 episodes. However, if some company were to print a retro Zelda shirt displaying this catchphrase, I would buy it in a heartbeat, guaranteed.

Legend Of Zelda Film = April Fools

Between catching up on professional duties among other things, I had to take a brief hiatus from posting here on BR – but when I saw this baby put up on IGN, I knew immediately that my hiatus HAD to come to an end.

Is it a real film? Sort of. Apparently, it’s some kind of a fan-made production (and not a bad one at that), but it’s not the officially-licensed and budgeted blockbuster that IGN made it out to sound like for their annual April Fools’ prank. I did happen to look at my calendar and see that it was April 1 before watching the trailer, but admittedly the old-school fanboy in me had a small ray of hope that maybe…just maybe, it could be true.

Though it isn’t what I was hoping for, should this fan-made production ever see the light of day I will check it out anyway. Because let’s face it: could it really be any worse than the film adaptations of Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter, etc.? I know there’s a certain irony to see classically-trained British actor Bob Hoskins faking a bad Italian accent and a primitive delight to Jean-Claude Van Damme’s gung-ho speech, but the Zelda series is a whole different bag of rupees. And should it ever really be made into a film, all I ask is that Ganon doesn’t turn out to be played by somebody like George Clooney. His turn as Batman was so well-received that they didn’t make another one until 8 years had passed.

But in conclusion, this was a cool prank by IGN, and I would be interested in seeing a finished product (if it ever comes to fruition).