A New Hope? Nope, a New Headache
It took the Rebellion decades to unseat the Imperial powers in the galaxy, but now it could take even longer to clean up the mess plaguing the Jedi. Having reformed and restrengthened the Jedi, the reformed Jedi High Council has come under intense scrutiny for it’s ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy concerning interstellar sexual relations. Rampant abuses to the policy have spiraled out of control and what had once been dismissed as simply a Phantom Menace is now a full blown scandal.
Essentially, the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy was instituted to replenish the decimated ranks of Jedi after Order 69, er 66. What happened next was cover-up after cover-up with the Jedi High Council continuously brushing over the sexual transgressions of numerous Jedi. After complaints from across the galaxy and millions of victims that can’t be silenced (shouldn’t have blown up that Death Star), Yaddle, spokeswoman for the High Council, released the following statement: “Failed the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy has. Saddened the High Council is. Pay the victims we shall.”
As senior member of the council, Yaddle has instructed Mace Windu with carrying out this purge off within the Jedi ranks. Mace, who got his start programming computers before a dinosaur ate him, quickly rose up the Jedi ranks with his mastery of the light-saber, his amazing brewing skills, and his propensity to scream kick-ass phrases at the top of his lungs has been hunting down the renegade Jedi.
His most high profile Jedi captive and the defacto face of the Jedi sex scandal is former Commander and savior of the universe, Luke Skywalker. As clearly stated in the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy, incest is a clear violation of proper Jedi sexual conduct and Commander Skywalker’s continuous, ambiguous conduct with Princess Leia raised too many questions for Mace to digest. When asked how difficult it was to bring in the heroic Luke Skywalker for his Court Martial trial, Mace responded, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.”
(The following is a transcript of the cross examination)
Mace: Commander Skywalker, were you aware that the Princess was not only your sister by birth, but your twin sister?
Luke: What?
Mace: What country are you from?
Luke: What?
Mace: What ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Luke: What?
Mace: Say what again. Say what again, motherf@#$er, say what one more Goddamn time!
After stone-walling throughout the questioning, Skywalker was dismissed and Windu called Chewbacca to testify. The Wookie detailed rampant sexual encounters in the Millenium Falcon between the Commander and Princess, including Bantha Fodder positions, Droid Sex Games, Dark Side 69’s, and Hoth Cleveland Steamers. A particular vivid depiction of the Hoth Cleveland Steamer was related on the way to the Death Star while Obi Wan taped it with R2-D2’s droid camera. But the most damning testimony came when Chewbacca said, “GRRaaaarrrrooouuugggghhhhhhaaaaaa“.
After the Court Martial of Skywalker, Windu and the High Council turned towards other Jedis guilty of sexual transgressions. Alarmingly demonstrating how deeply seated the sexual misconduct was, Windu uncovered misconduct amongst one of the High Council, senior councilman Yoda. The diminutive Jedi master was investigated and a sordid past revealed. Famously seen in Episode Three uttering the words, “Go, I will. Good relations with the Wookies, I have,” Yoda was seemingly given a free pass, in spite of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy’s strictly forbidding Wookie orgies. Arrested by Windu, Yadoo released a simple statement, ”Not if anything to say about it I have”.
As Mace Windu’s unpopular investigation continues, he has been able to recruit a powerful ally in his quest for a tasty burger and a sexually legal Jedi environment in General Jan Dodonna. Dodonna, famous for finding the Death Star’s weakness and establishing the first French McDonald’s on Alderaan, expressed optimism in purging the Jedi ranks of sexual deviants. He maintains that “this is the Rebel Alliance and it’s not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez, and these Cincinnati bow-ties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls. That’s all I got to say ‘bout that.”
Mace Windu has been so thorough that not even the dead Jedis have escaped his inquiries. Summoning the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi and questioning him about his relationship with Skywalker, Windu eventually had him arrested. He was able to determine that Kenobi taped several of the incestuous romps of Luke and Leia with a camera attached to R2-D2, which upset the juvenile droid. After repeatedly witnessing these violations, R2-D2 got his revenge by taping an incident involving Kenobi’s early training of young Master Skywalker and showing it to Mace Windu.
(the following is a transcript of portions of that tape)
Obi-Wan: You don’t like girls, Luke.
Luke: I don’t like girls.
Obi-Wan: They’re not the ones you’re looking for.
Luke: They’re not the ones I’m looking for.
Obi-Wan: I can go about my business with your light-saber.
Luke: You can go about your business with my light-saber.
Obi-Wan: Pull your pants down.
Luke: Pull my pants down… pull my pants down.
Obi-Wan’s use of the force to force Skywalker into under-aged sex was a clear violation of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy and after a quick Court Martial trial, Kenobi was sentenced to the death penalty.
The investigation continues, more well known Jedis come under arrest, and the organization continues to be cleansed by the efforts of Mace Windu. Unfortunately, Mace has become a very unpopular figure during this investigation and after enduring abuse from many of the Jedi, he screamed, ”That’s it, I’ve had it with these motherf@#$ing Jedi, on this motherf@#$ing plane with their Wookie sex and droid love.” When asked to further weigh in on the punishment for these dishonored Jedi, Windu said, “Well allow me to retort; yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!”
