Remi-NES-cing: I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson

Besides the title of this article being the name of a hit song for Jeff “DJ Jazzy Jeff” Townes and Will “The Fresh Prince” Smith in 1989, it was also the mindset of every boxer to step into the ring with Mike Tyson, post-James “Buster” Douglas. An impossible underdog at Vegas odds of 42-1, Douglas scored the biggest upset in boxing history by KO’ing Tyson in the 10th round of their bout on February 11, 1990.

But before that historic fight, the rape conviction and eventual descent into self-parody, Mike Tyson (otherwise known as “Iron Mike” and “Kid Dynamite”) was the scariest motherf*cker on the planet. An undefeated pro and undisputed champion with a 37-0 record, who in the ring exuded the channeled rage of a Roman gladiator. And in Mattel’s eyes, the perfect antagonist for a video game.

And thus in 1987, Tyson became the youngest heavyweight champion to star in his own video game, “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!” for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES).

The player took up the fighting career of teenage pugilist Little Mac, who at 17 and a menacing 107 pounds, decided he wanted to be heavyweight champion of the NES world. Little Mac’s opponents gradually increase in skill and ability, and the player must adapt to the fighters’ patterns. In fact three opponents (Piston Honda, Don Flamenco and Bald Bull) return to face Little Mac in rematches, apparently deciding that one humiliating ass-whupping courtesy of a glorified teenage punk wasn’t quite enough.

The characters themselves border on the laughable and stereotypical. A few examples include Glass Joe as a Frenchman who can’t fight, Von Kaiser as a haughty German, Don Flamenco as a…you guessed it, Flamenco dancer, not to mention Soda Popinski as a bullying, Russian caffeine addict…or was he?

It should be noted that the original character’s name was even more stereotypical and a whole lot less subtle, if you can believe it…Vodka Drunkenski. Apparently, Nintendo in their omniscience decided that they didn’t want to inspire future alcoholics but caffeine addicts were A-OK! To hell with irregular heart rates, child-onset diabetes, and accelerated tooth rot! Not to mention the fact that they made Little Mac out to be Rocky Balboa’s younger and effeminate brother via this training sequence, appearing twice in the game:

That image may live to haunt my nightmares, ladies and gentlemen. We see that Little Mac’s training method involves running in his world’s toughest S.O.B.-esque pink jumpsuit behind his bicycle-riding trainer, Doc Louis, who in the pre-fight screens resembles Al Roker in the middle of a rectal exam gone horribly awry.

All that leads up to the big showdown with the man himself, Iron Mike Tyson.

His fighting style is fast and hard-hitting, knocking the player down in one punch if you’re not careful. But that being said, if you learn his pattern you can emulate Buster Douglas and send Iron Mike crashing to the canvas for good in the 2nd or 3rd rounds.

The fallen champ even congratulates you on your boxing superiority:

Of course, missing in this release is the second screen where Tyson tells me this:

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

It’s amazing how they somehow managed to fit all of that on the screen.