How Much Do Clothes Cost in the Matrix?

One of our field correspondents just caught wind that J.P. (Joel Moore) of Grandma’s Boy just, in fact, had metal legs surgically implanted onto his torso! It was a risky operation, but was 100% successful. Sorry gamers, but it now appears that this uber-nerd will actually have the chance to take over our world! With his previous debacle during a PVP death match with Alex’s Grandma, he was brutally PWND to the ground in the beta game “Demonik”, and was forced to go into hiding. But now he’s back!

:: Queue “Natural Disaster” by Fischerspooner ::

A superior gamer and lead (perhaps only?) designer/programmer of the Eternal Death Slayer franchise from Brainasium, it has long been rumored that J.P. beat The Legend of Zelda before he could walk. With his unparalelled RPG skills, and schizophrenic dual personality (namely, robot-like behavior), he thinks it’s inferior to have human body parts (due to the fact that humans grow old and weak). Tragically afflicted as a child with a mild strain of Polio that left him partially crippled (and thus, unable to partake in organized sports – a reality that his Heisman Trphy-winning father has never recovered from, as he has not spoken a word in nearly fifteen years), day by day his dream to unleash a digital assault on the world became more and more realistic (he created his first game at the ripe old age of 13).

Now, with a treasure trove of cash stashed away in one of his many helicopters, and armed with the highly underestimated power to create interactive propaganda, it was time for his transformation. With that, J.P. believed if he could somehow become a cyborg, he would be able to out-live every human on the planet (to eventually enslave a yet-to-be-formed, future society) and ultimately, steal his dream-babe, Samantha, from the charmingly-underachieving Alex.

“Adios turd-nuggets!”