Remi-NES-cing: A Legend You May Know

Many years ago, Shigeru Miyamoto spent his childhood in the countryside of Kyoto, Japan, hanging out with his friends and exploring the terrain. They would embark on their own little adventures, hoping to find mountain caves or hidden lakes. Later in life, when Miyamoto was just another cog in the machine known as Nintendo’s R&D team, he took his childhood experiences and created a myth, a legend…one that would become a fabric of our childhoods. “The Legend Of Zelda” for the NES.

Miyamoto’s tale was simple, but therein lay its accessibility. The realm of Hyrule was in turmoil, being terrorized by an unknown scourge named Ganon; who had not only stolen the Triforce of Power, but also kidnapped Princess Zelda (who herself possessed the Triforce of Wisdom). As the coup-de-grace of the evil son of a b*tch’s plan, he split up the remaining Triforce of Courage into 8 pieces, scattered in underground dungeons throughout the land. There is only one hero with the testicular fortitude to save Hyrule, and that is…well, whatever you choose to call him.

Though the protagonist of the series would forever be branded as “Link”, in this first game you could call him by whatever name you wanted that was less than 9 letters. If you wanted the hero of this story to be called “Pukeface”, lo and behold, all you had to do was enter that name on the adventurer’s registration screen. When the game starts, you are smack dab in the middle of the 128-screen overworld with no sword or shield. Luckily for us though, this was the first game ever to have a battery pack inside the cartridge allowing the player to save games. While this feature is no more than an afterthought today, back in 1986 this was cause for RPG gamers to change the color of their pants in sheer delight. Gone were the days of staying inside on sunny afternoons, avoiding all human contact to try and defeat Ganon before dinnertime.

Of course, your main objective is to retrieve all the pieces of the Triforce of Wisdom and commence to opening a medieval can of whoop-ass on Ganon, located somewhere on Death Mountain, a name which I’m sure sent a shiver up the spines of countless kindergarten students. In this screencap from the third dungeon, Link battles gelatinous blobs and their smaller incarnations, which my 4-year old self referred to as “Hershey Kisses”. Come on people, the resemblance is more than a coincidence!

The dungeons gradually become harder to complete, requiring you to upgrade your weapons and other items if you want any chance of winning. I’ve probably accelerated my path towards ulcers by how angry I would get as a kid when I would die in the harder dungeons. On one occasion, I had forgotten to stop by the fairy fountain to recover my life energy (as shown in the above picture) and as a result, a group of Octoroks laid the smack down on me quicker than a hiccup. In response, my loyal NES controller felt the brunt of my disappointment by being dislodged from the console and hurrying to its imminent business meeting with the wall on the living room’s opposite side.

But nonetheless, I did eventually surpass the eight treacherous dungeons and make my way to the hidden ninth labryinth, Death Mountain. After many an untimely demise, plus a tenfold rinse and repeat of the events in the last paragraph, I entered the final door, psyched and prepared to face the mythical Ganon. With my sword and bow equipped with silver arrows at the ready, I imagined what this legendary fiend would really look like. When I first opened the game, the guidebook gave no clues, only the mystery of the “?”. As I prepared to face my fate like David meeting Goliath, I then saw my foe in the dimly-lit final chamber.

WHAT???!!!!! The man who wreaked havoc on the realm of Hyrule is this overgrown oinker who looks like he’s a young girl blushing at a school dance? What the f*ck? Fighting him proves to be very frustrating, as he plays “hide-and-I’m-going-to-kill-you” with his tactic of disappearing and shooting deadly balls of evil energy at the player. The player must resort to stabbing random places as the bastard has no pattern, you just have to hope you stab him with your sword as he’s going by. But once you have him stunned, hit the pig with the silver arrows and he disappears quicker than Lindsay Lohan’s jail sentence.

With the evil vanquished, Link enters the final room and rescues Princess Zelda, held captive by several fireballs that go away when you stab them….ok, then. Zelda then congratulates you for being the hero and peace returning to the land, followed by the helpful Captain Obvious dialogue of “this ends the story”. Gee, I wonder if Nintendo’s Japanese development team really thought American audiences were that stupid? Then again, we did have plenty of people still clinging to Betamax at that time, so maybe their view had some merit.

In any case, this game kickstarted one of the most successful game franchises in history, one whose games are just as enjoyable today as they were 20 years ago. A main difference now is that you can physically act out the adventure on the Wii, killing Gleeoks and getting a hell of a cardio workout in at the same time. Now that, ladies and germs, is truly legendary.

M33RY CHR15TM45!

From all (four) of us here at Benevolent Robot, we’d like to wish all of you blog lurkers, forum fiends, tech whizzes, game addicts, TiVo junkies, and cinephiles a very Merry Christmas. Having said that, we respect and honor people of all faiths, who observe any and all holidays (yes, even Boxing Day), because hey – we’re all citizens of the same planet, ain’t we? Let’s try to play nice as best we can. Deal? I’ll give you kudos if you’re good!

Sadly, as robots, we lack the capacity for our small hearts to grow three sizes in a day… as our makers never granted us hearts. We can, however, find the strength of ten grinches, plus two.

If it’s Christmas Day, and you’re actually reading this, TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER! Return to your family and friends! (Note: this is probably the only time we will ever ask you to do this.) We’ll be here on December 26th, don’t worry.

In the coming weeks, we’re looking forward to announcing some significant BR news and developments, and are extremely excited about growing/cultivating this community with you in the new year. We know you’ll be right there with us.

So, without further ado, grease up the ol’ chimneys with your lubricant of choice, so the fat man can bring you all DS’s, iPhones, DVR’s, and Blu-Rays in a jiffy!

-Kwech

Geek Chic: Ogio Bags

Ogio.com

At first glance, Ogio’s product line might appear to be aimed squarely at the action sports set. However, if you let yourself investigate just a little bit deeper, you’ll soon realize precisely what demo these practical receptacles are geared for.

Take the Ty Video, for example. Ogio touts it as the perfect vessel to transport digital camcorders, as well as their related equipment, for filming sick grinds and burly airs. Now, we’re not saying we don’t like camcorders (indeed, I’m still toting around my beloved-but-humongous, Canon XL1S), but we think we’ve deciphered what would make for more appropriate electronic stuffing.

Just look at those perfectly-padded slots (sounds sexy, don’t it?). Imagine how comfy your Nintendo Wii, along with its Wiimote buddies, would be, all tucked-in, snuggled, and well-secured. Makes me want to hop into my footie-pajamas and fix a cup of hot cocoa right now.

Truly, Ogio allows no minute detail to go overlooked. Whether its their waterproof, insulated drink pouches (that are just large enough to squeeze in a four-pack of Red Bull), or their convenient and intuitive iPod pockets, it sure seems like the Ogio design team has thought of everything.

While we love the Ty Video (or should we say, Ty-tendo), I must segue to our favorite Ogio item, aptly named, the Flak Jacket. Before I continue, take a moment to revel in its absolute radness.

Ready to read again yet? Didn’t think so. But I’m pressing on anyway, with or without you.

This thing goes pretty damn well with my Halo 3 Legendary Edition Master Chief helmet when I’m pwning n00bs in Team Slayer. 1337. The Flak Jacket’s only drawback: there’s not quite enough frontal cargo room. Of course, Ogio’s got that covered as well. For that, they have the Flight Vest (perhaps some Warhawk, or a mission or two of good ol’ Airwolf would put you in the mood). A half-dozen easy-open pouches means that you can store all the Band-Aids (for finger blisters), Hot Pockets, and Funyuns you’ll need during intense, extended gaming sessions. The Flight Vest lets you keep them all at hand so you don’t even need to leave your ergonomic seat. Thirsty? Strap on Ogio’s 70-ounce liquid reservoir (yes, that’s large enough to hold a 7-11 Double Gulp. so hail your messenger pidgeon and tell it to go fetch you 64 ounces of sugary bliss) to keep you hydrated through hours of online fps matchmaking. Nature calls? Sorry, Ogio can’t help you there. Wizzing in bottles is a time-honored tradition (not that we do it or anything). Or, simply crack open the reservoir, send the fluid back from whence it came, and save it for later.

Adventures in Gmail Chat

Bored at work? Wanna look like you’re doing something constructive without actually accomplishing anything? Let me teach you a little sumthin’ sumthin’.

Step1: Boot up Gmail. (If you don’t have Gmail, leave this site right now, because I don’t even wanna look at you. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. I didn’t mean that. I still love you.)

Step 2: Look over on the left-hand side of your screen. See your Quick Contacts? Good.

Step 3: Find a buddy (or, maybe even someone you hate) with a little green dot next to their name.

Step 4: Mouse over him/her, and click ‘Chat’.

Step 5: Gab away.

The beauty of Gmail Chat (or, Gchat) is that even if you get caught, it looks like you’re just checkin’ you’re email. Unless your boss is a real fascist, he/she probably won’t get too heated.

So, if you’re in a rut (i.e. doing online research, or mindlessly updating Excel spreadsheets) simply Alt+Tab to Freedom, just like Brad Nowell said. Here at BR, we choose to make a little friendly competition out of it (as we do with most things, minus the friendly), and have turned Gchat into a blood-soaked arena for remote proxy Street Fighter II bouts. Akin to correspondence chess (but infinitely less technical, nor thought-provoking, nor even sporting in any way), my High-Punch Hadukens blow right through my adversary’s low-punch Yoga Flame’s, just as QBPxPr (Bishop’s Pawns captures pawn), for example. However, for some reason, there seems to be a lot of ducking/blocking involved, and no one ever seems to lose. Oh well. No one ever scores in soccer, either, and it’s the most popular sport in the world.

OK, we know we’re nerds. We know we’re weird. We know we should have better things to do. But we don’t. Get used to it.

Just showin’ Dhalsim a little love, even though he sucks.

How Much Do Clothes Cost in the Matrix?

One of our field correspondents just caught wind that J.P. (Joel Moore) of Grandma’s Boy just, in fact, had metal legs surgically implanted onto his torso! It was a risky operation, but was 100% successful. Sorry gamers, but it now appears that this uber-nerd will actually have the chance to take over our world! With his previous debacle during a PVP death match with Alex’s Grandma, he was brutally PWND to the ground in the beta game “Demonik”, and was forced to go into hiding. But now he’s back!

:: Queue “Natural Disaster” by Fischerspooner ::

A superior gamer and lead (perhaps only?) designer/programmer of the Eternal Death Slayer franchise from Brainasium, it has long been rumored that J.P. beat The Legend of Zelda before he could walk. With his unparalelled RPG skills, and schizophrenic dual personality (namely, robot-like behavior), he thinks it’s inferior to have human body parts (due to the fact that humans grow old and weak). Tragically afflicted as a child with a mild strain of Polio that left him partially crippled (and thus, unable to partake in organized sports – a reality that his Heisman Trphy-winning father has never recovered from, as he has not spoken a word in nearly fifteen years), day by day his dream to unleash a digital assault on the world became more and more realistic (he created his first game at the ripe old age of 13).

Now, with a treasure trove of cash stashed away in one of his many helicopters, and armed with the highly underestimated power to create interactive propaganda, it was time for his transformation. With that, J.P. believed if he could somehow become a cyborg, he would be able to out-live every human on the planet (to eventually enslave a yet-to-be-formed, future society) and ultimately, steal his dream-babe, Samantha, from the charmingly-underachieving Alex.

“Adios turd-nuggets!”

Design Sense: The Evolution of Form and Function

Being classified as a ‘generation Y’ individual has some distinct advantages. One of these is that we have (supposedly) matured by now. Well, so has the video game industry. Sure, ColecoVision and Atari may have been a tad before our time, but the true genesis (see that, kids? that’s what we call a play on words) of the video game industry as we know it, was the ushering-in of the Nintendo Entertainment System.

But what exactly does that mean? Technology has advanced to allow for Direct X and Open GL to give us 3D games with normal mapped detail and core processing, allowing for much better gameplay across the board. But what about the fact that today’s Wii, Xbox 360, and PS3 have become high fashion icons on par with the iPod? Until the average American male hits his teens (that is, until he discovers that girls give him a weird, tingly feeling inside), he really doesn’t care terribly much about what brand of clothes he wears, how he looks in them, or what that outward appearance means. But the moment those naughty, curly hairs begin sprouting, that changes. Did these inherent changes act as a catalyst for the explosion of the MP3 player (via the iPod) and the maturation of the design of video game systems?

Chad wasn’t old enough to enjoy the ColecoVision. Boo Chad.

I’ll be honest, I picked up my Wii because of the revolutionary gameplay. More on that in another column. But I’m not gonna lie, the fact that it’s such a formal piece is really what did it for me. It’s a sleek, geometric, perfect addition to my Bravia and AppleTv-dominated living room. As a designer, these things are obviously important to me, and provoke much thought. But what role do they play in everybody else’s lives? If Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft didn’t feel that design was important, would the Wii be another boxy incarnation of the NES? If design didn’t matter as technology improved, would there be second and third generation Genesis’s (Genesi?) and PS2’s that are much sleeker then their predecessors?

Chad thinks the Wii is pretty… tool

It’s interesting to think about how the iPod, popularized by our generation, was the first MP3 player to take off. It was most definitely a perfect storm of impeccable timing, ease of use (see: iTunes), and public readiness for this new paradigm (also, Steve Jobs’ prophetic, Midas Touch didn’t hurt either), but MP3 players had been around for 4 years on a mass-market scale before that. The design and its cultural implications have to have something to do with it.

The parallels between the design of video game systems, the iPod as the catalyst for change to MP3 players, and the maturation of our generation are intriguing. It leads me to think about what the future will be like. “Virtual Reality” is a thing of the past. It was a flawed gimmick (see: Nintendo’s hapless Virtual Boy). But the Wii, in an interactive sense, is the current incarnation of virtual reality. It has inspired immense change, and has managed to tap previously uncharted demographics. Is this going to change? Will the Wii-mote and Nunchuck be replaced by something else in 10 years? Will that something else be on par with our mid 30’s generation’s view on life and design in general? Whatever the case may be, you can bet that the shape and dimensions of the consoles of a then-mature ‘Generation Z’ will tap into the collective spirit of the populace, as it speaks volumes about who we are.

Remi-NES-cing: I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson

Besides the title of this article being the name of a hit song for Jeff “DJ Jazzy Jeff” Townes and Will “The Fresh Prince” Smith in 1989, it was also the mindset of every boxer to step into the ring with Mike Tyson, post-James “Buster” Douglas. An impossible underdog at Vegas odds of 42-1, Douglas scored the biggest upset in boxing history by KO’ing Tyson in the 10th round of their bout on February 11, 1990.

But before that historic fight, the rape conviction and eventual descent into self-parody, Mike Tyson (otherwise known as “Iron Mike” and “Kid Dynamite”) was the scariest motherf*cker on the planet. An undefeated pro and undisputed champion with a 37-0 record, who in the ring exuded the channeled rage of a Roman gladiator. And in Mattel’s eyes, the perfect antagonist for a video game.

And thus in 1987, Tyson became the youngest heavyweight champion to star in his own video game, “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!” for the Nintendo Entertainment System (NES).

The player took up the fighting career of teenage pugilist Little Mac, who at 17 and a menacing 107 pounds, decided he wanted to be heavyweight champion of the NES world. Little Mac’s opponents gradually increase in skill and ability, and the player must adapt to the fighters’ patterns. In fact three opponents (Piston Honda, Don Flamenco and Bald Bull) return to face Little Mac in rematches, apparently deciding that one humiliating ass-whupping courtesy of a glorified teenage punk wasn’t quite enough.

The characters themselves border on the laughable and stereotypical. A few examples include Glass Joe as a Frenchman who can’t fight, Von Kaiser as a haughty German, Don Flamenco as a…you guessed it, Flamenco dancer, not to mention Soda Popinski as a bullying, Russian caffeine addict…or was he?

It should be noted that the original character’s name was even more stereotypical and a whole lot less subtle, if you can believe it…Vodka Drunkenski. Apparently, Nintendo in their omniscience decided that they didn’t want to inspire future alcoholics but caffeine addicts were A-OK! To hell with irregular heart rates, child-onset diabetes, and accelerated tooth rot! Not to mention the fact that they made Little Mac out to be Rocky Balboa’s younger and effeminate brother via this training sequence, appearing twice in the game:

That image may live to haunt my nightmares, ladies and gentlemen. We see that Little Mac’s training method involves running in his world’s toughest S.O.B.-esque pink jumpsuit behind his bicycle-riding trainer, Doc Louis, who in the pre-fight screens resembles Al Roker in the middle of a rectal exam gone horribly awry.

All that leads up to the big showdown with the man himself, Iron Mike Tyson.

His fighting style is fast and hard-hitting, knocking the player down in one punch if you’re not careful. But that being said, if you learn his pattern you can emulate Buster Douglas and send Iron Mike crashing to the canvas for good in the 2nd or 3rd rounds.

The fallen champ even congratulates you on your boxing superiority:

Of course, missing in this release is the second screen where Tyson tells me this:

“I want to throw down your kid and stomp on his testicles, and then you will know what it is like to experience waking up everyday as me. And only then will you feel my pain.”

It’s amazing how they somehow managed to fit all of that on the screen.

Maybe Mr. T is Pretty Handy With Computers

Shut up FOO!

Let’s face it: Blizzard knows how to make the next generation commercial. They’ve set the bar with this latest series of ads, and I think sooner than later, other companies (and apparently, presidential campaigns!) will begin jumping on the bandwagon. I guess someone finally realized that 9 million spend-happy WoW players has got to be worth targeting!

So they morphed William Shatner into a Tauren Shaman, Mr. T. into his Night Elf “Mohawk”, and most recently, Verne Troyer (Mini-Me) into a Gnome Mage! Seriously, what’s next?!

I’ll tell you what’s next.

Chuck Norris. That’s what’s next. It better be. No, it has to be. So, just shoot the darned commercial already (or, better yet, air it during the Superbowl, so we nerds, geeks, and dweebs can finally be considered truly ‘mainstream’ – w00t!). I’ll even take it a step further. I’d say the smart money has him portraying a Human Rogue. Can we get the Vegas odds-makers on this?! Come on!

Here are some of my predictions for future commercials:

Human Rogue – Chuck Norris (you wait and see)

Hunter – Ted Nugent

Warlock – Kevin Smith (see: digital Jedi)

Priest - Stephen Baldwin

Druid – Matthew McConaughey

Paladin – Steven Seagal… or Star Wars Kid.

Hello? ActivisionBlizzard? Can you hear me? If you can, I think I know a guy that would simply be the perfect hire for your marketing department! *Cough* me *Cough* Seriously, let’s make it happen.

Did you know, that if you PvP kill Chuck Norris in WoW, FBI agents show up to your house and deport you to Singapore? Oh wait, that’s right. Chuck Norris can’t die in WoW. He feeds off the souls of the fallen.

Updates A-Go-Go!

We’ve got a whole chum-bucket-full o’ updates today!

We know how you kids get all hot and bothered whenever one of your dotcomrades gifts you a shiny new beer mug on your snazzy Facebook profile. Yeah, you know you do. So we thought “Hey, why not let the ever-growing (larger than Myspace as of November 19, 2007, in fact) Army of Facebook give the gift of Benevolent Robot”?! Most of you are pretty tech savvy these days, so I’m guessing I don’t need to walk you through the steps of how to accomplish this.

However, if you do find yourself feeling extremely lazy (or thinking “Me? Accomplish?! F*ck Benevolent Robot!), I’ll direct you (directly) to what I’m talking about.

See down at the bottom of this post? See down at the bottom of every post? See where it says ‘Share on Facebook’? Yeah. Click that sh*t. Then you can have our sweet, Benevolently Robotic banner on your Facebook page! Believe it! Oh yea, there’s a bunch of other high-tech mumbo-jumbo down there, too. I have no idea what it means. Nobody does.

Lastly, are you a live bookmark freak? Are dozens upon dozens of feeds clogging your Mozilla toolbar? Let us fuel your addiction! Subscribe to our RSS feed! Of course you feed-fiends already know this (but for those who may not): the link to our handy-dandy feed looks a little something like this, and it’s located in the sidebar:

Have at it!

Is it Possible to Get Tired of Superbad?

We’re still trying to figure that out. We’re currently running the film through some rigorous tests. No conclusive evidence yet. We’ll be sure to let you know what the eventual results are.

But if Chapelle’s Show has taught us anything, it’s that anything can get played out. Many of us have even had to remove the words “what”, “yeah”, and “OK” from our vocabularies entirely, and have since been met with incredible difficulty in trying to communicate effecitvely. So a word to the wise: be wary of spouting off “I am McLovin!” a gajillion times every occasion you get one and a half Bartles & James’s in you, unless, that is, your intent is to destroy this amazing film for the rest of us. “Once it hits your lips, it’s so good!” No, no it’s not. Put down the wine cooler you brough in with you, and get the f*ck out of my party.

(And if I ever hear someone say “I’m Rick James, bitch!” ever again, I’m going to put their cat in a microwave. If they don’t have a cat, I’ll buy them one and then put it in a microwave. If they don’t have a microwave, I’ll rent one.)

Phew! Where was I? Oh yes… Back to Superbad.

If you do not own this movie, let me give you one piece of advice: GO BUY IT.

However, if you happen to be a little strapped for cash…

Slysoft.com
Netflix.com

Mind you, I’m not telling anyone to do anything. Take that, Mr. Strong Arm of the Law.

For those familiar with MTG, this unholy combination is the new Channel-Fireball for today’s digital jedi.

*bows before the mighty Apatow*