Drinkin’ the Elven Kool-aid

There I was, balls deep…. in Tolkien mythology. My brain had degenerated into Quaker oatmeal per the 682 minute marathon of special edition L.O.T.R. DVDs I just watched; all the while spreading out multiple copies of Lord of the Rings encyclopedias, atlases, shorts stories, porn mags, and elven dialect guides. I had truly made the treacherous trek to Mount Doom, submitting my health and sanity to a rigorous marathon of video overload, several trans-fat feasts, and multiple cheap beers (“They come in pints? I’m getting one!”). It was at that point, teetering on the brink of cracks of doom without an ambiguously gay hobbit gardiner to assist me that a revelation came to me.

Maybe it was the booze, maybe it was the secret of the ooze, or just maybe it was Tolkien’s ghost stretching across the decades to reward one of his faithful apostles, but whatever the source there was no doubt what had happened, I was standing in the sacred glen before the fluttering form of Galadriel, who smiled at me and asked me if I was thirsty.

I wasn’t used to a chick buying me a drink and certainly not an all-powerful elven lady at that, so I hesitated. Like any warm blooded heterosexual male, I had my 3.8 seconds of recurring naughtiness, to which Galadriel said, “I know what it is you saw, for it is also in my mind.”

Thinking I’d hit the fantasy boy’s fantasy, I ran over to her well and gulped down a swig of that water from her silver pitcher. Smiling like Ralphie with my trusty Red Rider, I was full on ready to show this chick a real ring bearer, but that’s when things got hairy. For those of age, I am by no means a light weight when it comes to holding my drink, but my precious was that elvish brew true. Galadriel laughed, my eyes came unfocused, and I started to really see things. Her voice echoed telepathically in my mind,”You will see many things: things that were, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass.”

I began to see the apex of my existence… overweight, hordes of MTG cards, three computers running games simultaneously, a thick library, and a leaf-covered Galadriel…. my mind flitted to something else, Elijah Wood, wearing tights, playing racquetball, with a donkey…. Richard Garfield running for president…. Kevin Costner starring in Waterworld VII: Return to the Sea…

Galadriel snapped, screaming aloud, “Some things you see shall never come to pass!”

“Thank god,” I muttered, feeling withdrawal symptoms on my shaking, pale skin as images of Costner in water logged leather remained in my mind. “But what about those leaves?”

Those were the last words I remembered as my mind became unhinged and I felt nauseous. I tried to find a Wawa bathroom to clean up in, but to no avail. The potent Elvish Kool-aid continued to leave me drunk on randomness, which I will vomit forth into this blog once my over used brain can sort through the mass of visions I have seen. For now, enjoy your casual existence away from those elves and stay away from Camelot for it is a silly place, but know soon that my words will ring once more with visions beyond your wildest Tolkien dreams…….

To be continued….

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The Legend Of Zelda Cartoon Was Corny? Excuuuuuuse me!

The 1980’s gave rise to some really amazing video games, one of which of course was “The Legend Of Zelda” for the Nintendo Entertainment System. One by-product of that successful license was the “Super Mario Bros. Super-Show”, a TV program incorporating animated cartoons and live-action segments of both Mario and Luigi. Occasionally alternating with those shows were animated cartoons for “The Legend of Zelda”, all 13 of which aired during the fall of 1989.  By the way, all 13 episodes are available on DVD, so you can relive these campy Hyrule adventures again and again. Those of you expecting this show to revolve around Link, the ever-silent hero of the games, to take on monsters all over Hyrule in order to free a captive Princess Zelda would be mistaken.

The show of course takes place in Hyrule, but with Princess Zelda living at the castle and Link staying there as her resident protector and guardian of the Triforce of Wisdom (I guess the Triforce of Courage is in another castle, haha). The games are of a mostly serious nature, not exactly known for their comedic stylings, but no one would know that by only watching the show. The cartoon almost takes a “1960’s Batman”-esque campy approach to the material, incorporating a lot of dated humor and banter. While it’s amusing maybe the first time, hearing it repeatedly over the course of a 15-minute episode makes it old real quick.

The 13 episodes don’t necessarily have a serialized plot per se, as they all revolve around Ganon’s attempts to steal the Triforce of Wisdom, being already in possession of the Triforce of Power. Old pigface utilizes tektites, octoroks, moblins and some of the other baddies of the video games to try and take down the good guys, but like Shredder in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, always seems to let his guard down at just the wrong time. I do have to admit, watching him in the first episode demonstrating to stalfos knights how to punch was pretty damn funny. Something tells me it’s not what Shigeru Miyamoto had in mind when envisioning the epitome of an evil wizard, but it’s entertaining nonetheless.

Besides Princess Zelda, aiding Link in his quest is the fairy Sprite, who is your basic knave with a high-pitched, chipmunk-type voice. She doesn’t add much to the proceedings and proves to be rather annoying actually, much like the fairy Navi in “Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time”. Despite that though, the trio of Link, Zelda and Sprite manage to topple the evil wizard Ganon and his cronies in all 13 episodes, and only let the Triforce of Wisdom out of their grasp briefly in a few episodes. Score one for the good guys.

What made this show remembered to the gaming public and forgettable to just about everyone else was the dynamic between Link and Princess Zelda. While the games show Link as a noble hero, his animated counterpart’s motives were anything but pure. As subtlely alluded to several times in the cartoon, Link’s real motive for hanging around the castle is “getting to know” Princess Zelda…in the biblical sense, that is. Just when it seems like Link is about cut himself a piece of the Zelda pie, something random happens to interrupt, and Zelda makes some snooty, rude comment to the effect of Link being a pervert. Well duh…do you believe the guy is only thinking about fighting bad guys and protecting a magical shiny triangle? Lastly, this show gave Link a catchphrase, arguably the most annoying catchphrase in the history of all catchphrases.  I’ll let this Youtube video tell the story of Link’s signature retort, used a staggering 29 times in only 13 episodes. However, if some company were to print a retro Zelda shirt displaying this catchphrase, I would buy it in a heartbeat, guaranteed.

Legend Of Zelda Film = April Fools

Between catching up on professional duties among other things, I had to take a brief hiatus from posting here on BR – but when I saw this baby put up on IGN, I knew immediately that my hiatus HAD to come to an end.

Is it a real film? Sort of. Apparently, it’s some kind of a fan-made production (and not a bad one at that), but it’s not the officially-licensed and budgeted blockbuster that IGN made it out to sound like for their annual April Fools’ prank. I did happen to look at my calendar and see that it was April 1 before watching the trailer, but admittedly the old-school fanboy in me had a small ray of hope that maybe…just maybe, it could be true.

Though it isn’t what I was hoping for, should this fan-made production ever see the light of day I will check it out anyway. Because let’s face it: could it really be any worse than the film adaptations of Super Mario Brothers, Street Fighter, etc.? I know there’s a certain irony to see classically-trained British actor Bob Hoskins faking a bad Italian accent and a primitive delight to Jean-Claude Van Damme’s gung-ho speech, but the Zelda series is a whole different bag of rupees. And should it ever really be made into a film, all I ask is that Ganon doesn’t turn out to be played by somebody like George Clooney. His turn as Batman was so well-received that they didn’t make another one until 8 years had passed.

But in conclusion, this was a cool prank by IGN, and I would be interested in seeing a finished product (if it ever comes to fruition).

A New Hope? Nope, a New Headache

It took the Rebellion decades to unseat the Imperial powers in the galaxy, but now it could take even longer to clean up the mess plaguing the Jedi.  Having reformed and restrengthened the Jedi, the reformed Jedi High Council has come under intense scrutiny for it’s ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy concerning interstellar sexual relations.  Rampant abuses to the policy have spiraled out of control and what had once been dismissed as simply a Phantom Menace is now a full blown scandal.

Essentially, the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy was instituted to replenish the decimated ranks of Jedi after Order 69, er 66.  What happened next was cover-up after cover-up with the Jedi High Council continuously brushing over the sexual transgressions of numerous Jedi.  After complaints from across the galaxy and millions of victims that can’t be silenced (shouldn’t have blown up that Death Star), Yaddle, spokeswoman for the High Council, released the following statement: “Failed the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy has. Saddened the High Council is. Pay the victims we shall.”

As senior member of the council, Yaddle has instructed Mace Windu with carrying out this purge off within the Jedi ranks.  Mace, who got his start programming computers before a dinosaur ate him, quickly rose up the Jedi ranks with his mastery of the light-saber, his amazing brewing skills, and his propensity to scream kick-ass phrases at the top of his lungs has been hunting down the renegade Jedi. 

His most high profile Jedi captive and the defacto face of the Jedi sex scandal is former Commander and savior of the universe, Luke Skywalker.  As clearly stated in the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy, incest is a clear violation of proper Jedi sexual conduct and Commander Skywalker’s continuous, ambiguous conduct with Princess Leia raised too many questions for Mace to digest.  When asked how difficult it was to bring in the heroic Luke Skywalker for his Court Martial trial, Mace responded, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.”

(The following is a transcript of the cross examination)

Mace: Commander Skywalker, were you aware that the Princess was not only your sister by birth, but your twin sister?
Luke: What?
Mace: What country are you from?
Luke: What?
Mace: What ain’t no country I ever heard of. They speak English in What?
Luke: What?
Mace: Say what again. Say what again, motherf@#$er, say what one more Goddamn time!

After stone-walling throughout the questioning, Skywalker was dismissed and Windu called Chewbacca to testify. The Wookie detailed rampant sexual encounters in the Millenium Falcon between the Commander and Princess, including Bantha Fodder positions, Droid Sex Games, Dark Side 69’s, and Hoth Cleveland Steamers. A particular vivid depiction of the Hoth Cleveland Steamer was related on the way to the Death Star while Obi Wan taped it with R2-D2’s droid camera.  But the most damning testimony came when Chewbacca said, “GRRaaaarrrrooouuugggghhhhhhaaaaaa“.

After the Court Martial of Skywalker, Windu and the High Council turned towards other Jedis guilty of sexual transgressions. Alarmingly demonstrating how deeply seated the sexual misconduct was, Windu uncovered misconduct amongst one of the High Council, senior councilman Yoda. The diminutive Jedi master was investigated and a sordid past revealed. Famously seen in Episode Three uttering the words, “Go, I will. Good relations with the Wookies, I have,” Yoda was seemingly given a free pass, in spite of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy’s strictly forbidding Wookie orgies. Arrested by Windu, Yadoo released a simple statement, ”Not if anything to say about it I have”.

As Mace Windu’s unpopular investigation continues, he has been able to recruit a powerful ally in his quest for a tasty burger and a sexually legal Jedi environment in General Jan Dodonna.  Dodonna, famous for finding the Death Star’s weakness and establishing the first French McDonald’s on Alderaan, expressed optimism in purging the Jedi ranks of sexual deviants.  He maintains that “this is the Rebel Alliance and it’s not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez, and these Cincinnati bow-ties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls. That’s all I got to say ‘bout that.”

Mace Windu has been so thorough that not even the dead Jedis have escaped his inquiries. Summoning the ghost of Obi-Wan Kenobi and questioning him about his relationship with Skywalker, Windu eventually had him arrested. He was able to determine that Kenobi taped several of the incestuous romps of Luke and Leia with a camera attached to R2-D2, which upset the juvenile droid. After repeatedly witnessing these violations, R2-D2 got his revenge by taping an incident involving Kenobi’s early training of young Master Skywalker and showing it to Mace Windu.

(the following is a transcript of portions of that tape)

Obi-Wan: You don’t like girls, Luke.
Luke: I don’t like girls.
Obi-Wan: They’re not the ones you’re looking for.
Luke: They’re not the ones I’m looking for.
Obi-Wan: I can go about my business with your light-saber.
Luke: You can go about your business with my light-saber.
Obi-Wan: Pull your pants down.
Luke: Pull my pants down… pull my pants down.

Obi-Wan’s use of the force to force Skywalker into under-aged sex was a clear violation of the ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ policy and after a quick Court Martial trial, Kenobi was sentenced to the death penalty.

The investigation continues, more well known Jedis come under arrest, and the organization continues to be cleansed by the efforts of Mace Windu. Unfortunately, Mace has become a very unpopular figure during this investigation and after enduring abuse from many of the Jedi, he screamed, ”That’s it, I’ve had it with these motherf@#$ing Jedi, on this motherf@#$ing plane with their Wookie sex and droid love.” When asked to further weigh in on the punishment for these dishonored Jedi, Windu said, “Well allow me to retort; yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!”

Cult Classics: Knight Rider

The opening theme song is classic – the synthesizer techno tune serving as the intro to the 80’s cult phenomenon known as “Knight Rider” was known to make people drop what they were doing and come to the TV. Well maybe not to that degree, but the show was certainly ingrained into pop culture during its four-year run, and as the premiere of a new TV movie a month ago demonstrates, it still is today. But let’s go back to the beginning, when NBC’s chief executive at the time Brandon Tartikoff decided he wanted an action-based show around a hero and his talking car…and the general reaction from most others was “What?!!”

Michael Long was an L.A. cop who ended up the victim of a vicious double-cross – he was led to the desert, shot in the face and left for dead. However, he was rescued by the FLAG (the tackily-named Foundation for Law and Government) organization and resurrected, being given David Hasselhoff’s face and the name “Michael Knight” as a part of that operation. In addition, he was recruited by Devon Miles (seen above played by British star Edward Mulhare) to be FLAG’s “undercover agent” if you will, handling in person what the group couldn’t do in court – basically, to kick the incompetent bad guys’ asses while not messing up his coiffed hairstyle. But he wasn’t alone on this mission, FLAG gave him his own ride too.

A 1982 Pontiac Trans Am with some serious modifications, KITT (the Knight Industries Two Thousand) would become Michael’s partner for his undercover missions, though at first “the Hoff” was a little freaked out by the car’s appearance (hilariously referring to it in the pilot episode as “Darth Vader’s bathroom.”) That was really the draw for the show, to see KITT’s futuristic and death-defying abilities in action as “the Hoff” toppled the latest criminal mastermind of the week with a generous amount of style and flash. In the first season, Pontiac actually contacted NBC to request that KITT not be referred to anymore as a Trans Am in the show, because they had been inundated with requests from fans about how to trick out their Trans Ams to look like KITT. That says it all.

Not only that, but the future “Mr. Feeny” himself, William Daniels, provided the voice for KITT. In addition to fighting crime and computing the necessary requirements for making a turbo boost leap at 150 MPH, he could dish out philosophy and biting sarcasm with the best of them. My one complaint is that at some point during the show, KITT didn’t give Michael detention for messing up his circuits with his crazy stunt driving – that would earn my money in a heartbeat. Bottom line, if I need to explain why “the Hoff” and “Mr. Feeny” are the ultimate crime-fighting team, you probably shouldn’t be reading this.

Storyline-wise, the show wasn’t exactly A-List material, but it didn’t have to be. Checking out the episodes will show un-Academy Award-winning acting, cheesy dialogue, recycling of stock footage, and the most incompetent bad guys this side of a Scooby Doo rerun. That could be best personified by the screenshot above, as a recurring storyline involved Michael Knight doing battle with his “evil” twin brother Garthe (also played by “the Hoff”). Besides a hilariously bad accent, the only thing askew about Garthe was his mustache – and where does it say that facial hair automatically makes someone evil? However, things like this were part of the show’s cult charm, and it was occasionally willing to poke fun at itself, which it has to be commended for.

Though successful in its four-year run from 1982-1986, attempts made to recapture lightning in a bottle have by and large failed. A 1991 TV movie “Knight Rider 2000″ flat-out sucked, as did the TV series “Team Knight Rider”, in addition to the recent TV movie “Knight Rider” from a month ago (in my own humble opinion of course). I mean, Val Kilmer as the voice of KITT…what were they thinking? Hey Val, 1996 called and they’re sick and tired of you. Anyway, the entire series of this cult classic is available on DVD, and I highly recommend checking it out – just don’t pull any turbo boosts on the way to the video store, the cops just might arrest you. And unless your car can help you talk your way out of it, you might be out of luck.

RIP: Gary Gygax

On March 4th a legend passed on to the Hall of Heroes, a man who redefined the swords and sorcery fantasy experience for us all. He is amongst the most influential of fantasy contributors of our time and he has unfortunately tapped his last land; I speak, of course, of Gary Gygax. If you don’t know who that is then I respectfully ask you to go commit ritual Seppuku rather than reading this blog, or at least go and look him up on Wikipedia before continuing. Gygax was the creator of Dungeons and Dragons, known affectionately as D&D, and one of the father’s of modern fantasy gaming. His influence on fantasy was about as subtle as a first turn Channel/ Fireball to the head; D&D opened up a whole new level of innovative gaming for those seeking refreshingly fun, fetishistic, fantastical, fantasy fanaticism… try saying that three times fast… ok, now you have some small idea of how difficult it was for Gygax to revolutionize the fantasy gaming genre.

D&D complemented the voracious imaginations of those adherents to gaming nerdom by supplementing their passions with oodles of dice, finely crafted miniatures, a gaming board, more books than the Bible, and the nefarious Dungeon Master, or affectionately known D.M. (curse him). But it wasn’t as simple as that; to fully appreciate Gygax’s gaming revolution one would need look no further than the Bolshevik Revolution in Russia. D&D had pretty much the same kind of impact in toppling the fantasy gaming system as the Bolsheviks minus the animated movie and the piles of real corpses. With D&D at your disposal, no longer were heroic quests, terrifying monsters, and scantily clad elves the sole property of novelists and video game designers. Now you, yes YOU, could become Tagliff Wolfsucker, Human Warrior of Doom or Jasqueva the Fair, scantily clad Elvish wizard from the Harrow Woods. Hell, you could be Gary Coleman from the 711 down the street if you wanted to; this was the beauty of D&D as the game was only as limited by your imagination. Add some multicolored die to figure out your stats, grab a book, and then get ready to kick some fantasy monster butt.

People went crazy for D&D (hopefully, not as crazy as this guy) and rightly so. If all you know is World of Warcraft and other MMORPGs, then you truly have missed out on D&D. Imagine a game where you enter endless worlds, level up, work together in a team, fight monsters, and win powerful artifacts, all without having to devote 75.8% of your existence to it. That is D&D AND you interact with real, flesh and blood people!

Just how much did D&D rock? Well, I’ll tell you. My godfather introduced me to this wonderful game just months after M.T.G. had replaced crack as my drug of choice and I have so many great memories of my time spent frantically rolling dice and giving the D.M. the evil eye. The names and dates will go unsaid (lest she be reading this), but after concluding one intense gaming situation, I was able to slip away from the group with one of the female players to continue our roleplaying in another room. Suffice to say, our miniature characters had developed quite a contentious relationship during this impossible quest and we decided to sort things out between ourselves. I’d imagine that if you tried this with your World of Warcraft game you’d be labeled a pervert, deviant, and loser, something like this kid. This encounter cemented me as one of the top roleplayers in the group and earned my level 31 Elvish warrior, Nilrodell the nickname ‘King Dong’.

I’ve personally had so many great memories with D&D that I sincerely owe Gary Gygax a ‘thank you’ for the amazing game that he created. Incidentally, the in-game relationship between Nilrodell and Shiva van Staal, my female D&Der’s character, lasted far longer than the one we carried on. On a much cooler note, has there ever been a better last name in fantasy gaming than Gygax? You can pair this with any number of things to create super-cool fantasy items and names: the Gygaxian Death Sword, Gygax Lord of Shadows, Lost City of Gygax, Crystal Skull of Gygax the Maimer, etc. Perhaps even, dare I say, Benevolent Gygaxian Robot? Maybe not. Sigh. Rest in piece in nerd heaven, Gary Gygax, you are a true icon in the fantasy world. Time for World of Warcraft, I think Stella07a456 will be on tonight… maybe I’ll get lucky with Nilrodell II.

Cyberpunk Cinema: Robocop 2

Unlike the spectacular subject of Cyberpunk Cinema’s last entry, not every sequel to a popular film ends up meeting expectations…take for instance the film I’ll be discussing today, “Robocop 2″. The original was both a cyperpunk action/sci-fi movie and biting social commentary all in one, but still having enough of a “soul” where the movie wasn’t totally unlikable. In the sequel, that soul was ripped out just like Alex Murphy’s was — gone were the insights on humanity, memorable villains and cohesive plot. These were replaced by dueling Robocops, throwaway bad-guys and half-explored subplots. Yippee, let the dystopic mayhem run amok!

As if the first movie didn’t show enough how big drugs are of a problem in the Motor City, this time around the addictive narcotic is a red hallucinogen with the oh-so-subtle name of “Nuke”, which threatens the entire populace (as I said, “subtle”.) While investigating the ring of criminals distributing the drug, Robocop has an unwanted meeting with a jackhammer and ends up a cybernetic scrap heap as displayed above. When he’s repaired, he ends up being reprogrammed with commands to do things like help the environment and quote proverbs to a group of thieving schoolchildren, definitely the funniest scenes in the movie. (The scenes were in an in-your-face moment to the hordes of real-life parents’ groups complaining that popular movies were sending dangerous messages to kids about violence.) How Peter Weller managed to play that off with a straight face and making the expressions he does in those scenes is beyond my comprehension. It seems the bad guys have done quite the number on our pal Robo.

Ahh yes, the villains — certainly a part of what made the first film so much fun. Before they were on “E.R” and “That 70’s Show”, Paul McCrane and Kurtwood Smith were some of the slimiest bad guys ever seen on the big screen in “Robocop”. Taking their place this time are a druggie whore, Elvis impersonator, hippie cult leader and…that little guy (Gabriel Damon). Yup, “Robocop 2″ makes the interesting choice of casting a child villain; one who swears like Eddie Murphy circa 1984 and opens fire on cops with reckless abandon. Oh and by the way, thanks to the magic of IMDB, this gun-toting, foul-mouthed, hadn’t-hit-puberty-yet bad guy also has another famous credit to his name…Littlefoot. Yup, one of the main bad guys in “Robocop 2″ was that wimpy dinosaur in “The Land Before Time”…good God. As the old saying goes, you can’t make this s**t up.

Speaking of the hippie cult leader Cain (Tom Noonan), he ends up on the verge of death after a battle with Robocop, and is then himself murdered to provide the brain for Murphy’s replacement. OCP’s trial-and-error process for the new prototype is one of the more gratuitous and humorous sequences in this violent film, one which literally transforms Cain into Robocop 2. As a means of controlling him, they bait him with Nuke, the same narcotic he was hooked on in human form. He can have as much of the drug as he wants, the only catch being that he slaughters his former associates and Robocop. As an interesting aside, look for Frank Miller himself in a brief cameo as a drug chemist/designer (also named Frank) who gets blown up in his own lab.

Needless to say, things don’t exactly turn out how OCP wants, and their new “bastard creation”, as the first film’s Dick Jones would have said, goes on a drug-induced killing spree. The only one who can stop Cain/Robocop 2 is the original, and both of them proceed to fight it out in the OCP headquarters and streets of Detroit. Some of the dialogue before this, including the OCP CEO’s command to the cyborg pair of “Behave yourselves!”, and the wild outbursts of the city’s mayor are laughable and do nothing but add some serious cheese to this sequel. In spite of that, the overacting of the city mayor is actually quite funny (think Don King or Johnnie Cochran on crack).

Ultimately, Robocop’s brain triumphs over Cain’s brawn…or is it the other way around (examine Cain/Robocop 2’s death scene in the film to get the reference)? Robocop’s final line made a reference to his humanity, concluding in a similar fashion to the first film. And that, in my opinion ladies and gents, is where this sequel went wrong. The first 20 minutes partially explores Robocop’s intention to reclaim his humanity and family, something which could have been a key part of the film, then drops it with no explanation. It seems as if he almost accepts his fate as a machine, even when Littlefoot is trying to bust a cap in his steel-plated dome.

Oh and one final caveat, though the credits may say that Frank Miller was the screenwriter on this, he wasn’t totally responsible for this garbage. His original script went through so many rewrites that the finished film utilized almost none of his concepts. If you want to see what “Robocop 2″ could have been, his original script was made into a comic book called “Frank Miller’s Robocop”. Unfortunately, the trend of sequel crappification would only get worse. By the time of the third and last film, Robo was flying like the f*cking Rocketeer and helping to avert a housing crisis — but I’m not even going there. No wonder Miller didn’t return to Hollywood until “Sin City” came out, luckily that time he had creative control…and the difference shows.

“see I love technology/ but not as much as you you see/ but still i love technology/ always and forever….”

Welcome SpykeeVox by Meccano, better known as Erector in the US. The household toy robot industry has been growing steadily for the past decade or two, but I think we’ve finally hit a turning point. First off, these things execute all the existing functions of robots like voice activation, the ability to control local electronics (dvd player, etc.), talk to you as well having some other advanced functions that may or may not already exist like play MP3’s, taking pictures/videos, and saving them to an iPod (which takes the place of its WHOO HAA). That design decision was definitely well thought-out. We’ll call it an homage of sorts to the status symbol the iPod and iPhone have become. Just leave it to those Italians to equate it to something sexual. Touche my friends. Touche. Oh, and you can also control this thing via Blutooth, Skype, and/or the internet from anywhere in the world. Sadly enough I can see the 10 year-old pervert sending this thing into his older sister’s sleepover and the 40 year-old pervert sending it into his step daughter’s sleepover.

I want one, not to be a pervert – just to replace my damned Roomba. The thing is getting annoying and isn’t nearly is interesting as Buster Bluth made it seem at the end of Season 2 of Arrested Development…

Last but not least, this thing is made by Erector, the same company that makes Erector sets! Hopefully soon enough we’ll have some 1337 add-ons like an automatic bread-in-a-can opener or Caf-fiend article reader!

Cyberpunk Cinema: Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Bigger is better…always the case? Not necessarily, but no one told James Cameron that when he went about filming the sequel to his highly-acclaimed smash hit “The Terminator”. While that movie was produced on a budget smaller than the diet of your average Hollywood starlet, the sequel would command financing of $100 million, making it the most expensive film ever produced (at the time, of course.) With Cameron returning, actors Ahh-nold Schwarzenegger and Linda Hamilton would be reprising their roles as well, with newcomer and future drug addict Eddie Furlong stepping into the spotlight as John Connor.

Since this is an extremely popular and well-known movie, I’ll spare everyone an in-depth recap but will just say this. Since Skynet in all its infinite wisdom failed miserably to kill Sarah Connor in 1984, they figured they would give it the old college try some 10 years later and try to kill her son John, the future leader of the resistance, directly. Skynet would send a T-1000, an updated prototype of the infiltrator unit composed of a mimetic poly-alloy (liquid metal in non-geek speak) to assassinate Connor, while the human resistance would again send back a protector, a reprogrammed version of the Terminator from the first film. Again, the catch being that only one of them could reach John first. When some hardcore fans first heard this scenario, they blanched at the idea of their favorite Austrian killing machine being put into the “good guy” role, however the final product shows that those same fans really underestimated the star of “Kindergarten Cop”.

Initially, there’s just one problem: Sarah Connor. She managed to get herself involuntarily committed to a mental ward and lost custody of her son in the process, failing to live up to her own described status as “mother of the future”. Even though the relationship at the beginning between mother and son flat-out sucks, John breaks with the plans and goes to enact a good, old-fashioned jailbreak, which is successful. Unfortunately, during all that time locked up with fat, sleazy security guards licking her face at night and administering intermittent shock therapy, Sarah forgot how to be a mom. So them getting used to each other is one subplot that would prove crucial later on in the movie. As seen here, she is far from the near-helpless waitress she was upon her introduction in the series.

Meanwhile, the T-1000 (played by Robert Patrick) is in hot pursuit of the heroic trio. Being able to imitate anything he touches, he makes sushi out of various police officers and even John’s foster parents just to hunt him down. Now that’s commitment! Part of what made this film important was the titanic (pardon the pun) leap forward in computer graphics technology that brought the T-1000 to life. While Phil Tippett and Stan Winston did the best they could in 1984 to bring the original Terminator to cybernetic life, to say those stop-motion effects have not aged well would be the understatement of the year. In contrast, though the film was released 17 years ago, the effects hold up fairly well – Industrial Light & Magic deserves an extra big bowl of cheesy poofs for that. On a random note, it is said that when Spielberg saw how well the T-1000 came off in the movie, he realized that CGI had come forward enough where he could attempt to realistically portray dinosaurs on film, leading us to “Jurassic Park”.

In the midst of all this chaos, obsessive Cyberdyne lab tech Miles Dyson (Joe Morton) works feverishly to unlock the secrets behind the CPU chip and cyborg hand that were recovered from the first Terminator in 1984. Allowed to go unchecked, he would actually bring Skynet to life, causing Judgment Day, yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, Sarah actually tries to take him out, but her human compassion comes into play, and she ceases to be the always-cold bitch she was for most of the film. An awesome action sequence follows with the destruction of the Cyberdyne lab, but I won’t spoil that for the 3 people in the world who haven’t seen it yet. Dyson of course, falls on his proverbial sword (of C-4) for the cause of humanity. What a hell of a guy!

In the end, it comes down to a final showdown in a steel mill, and just when you think the good guys are about to be made into human fillet, Ahh-nold comes through and makes a liquid barbecue of the T-1000. Seeking to also prevent Judgment Day, he destroys himself as well, with the unknown future rolling ahead. Now, THAT was the way to end the story, and as far as I’m concerned, that’s where these films ended. My faith in part 3 was totally fragged when Arnold said this sentence. “Judgment Day is inevitable”. WTF? So then why did you have 2 awesome movies dedicated to the heroes preventing something that would eventually happen anyway?!!! ARGH!!! Needless to say, Cameron and the main cast (except Ahh-nold) weren’t involved at all with that monstrosity, and as you can see above, even the T-1000 is wagging the finger of shame at the crew of T-3. Then again, that could just be at himself for starring as the main villain of “Double Dragon”…Good Lord, that sucked.